Category Archives: Family

Family, family life, family reunion, family time, family vacation, life's most important question

Who Am I?

For what puzzle is this a piece and what part of the picture does it show?
For what puzzle is this a piece and what part of the picture does it show?

After a month off from writing due to a family vacation, my not feeling well, and a stressful crunch time at work, I am finally able to finish the post I started on vacation during a family reunion. In fairness, much of this was composed before the trip in my mind as I justified why I was taking time off from work at a crunch time in our production schedule. In the end, it all came down to needing my kids to feel like a part of the larger family and to know family acceptance from more than just our nuclear family. I frequently read how adopted children have a harder time feeling acceptance, and I know from experience how easy it is to feel like you spend time on the outside due to medical conditions. To the extent I can help it, I want my kids to know acceptance and feel a part of our family, all of it.

At some point in our childhood, we all begin to get a sense of who we are. We get this from a multitude of places. Some are good and reliable, while others are as fickle as a teenaged whispered joke poking at our sensitive spots. As parents, one of the first things we try to give our kids is love and attention, to give them the strength to overcome some of life’s trials. We teach them they are worth our time and affection, and if both parents and kids are lucky, they come to believe it. They gain a sense of belonging needed by all of us, and family becomes one of our first identities.

After a family picture, many of the just photographed prepared to jump in the pool.
After a family picture, many of the just photographed prepared to jump in the pool.

It is toward this end that I have a running gag with my kids. I ask them, “Guess what?” and the answer is always either “I love you” or “I still love you” depending on whether I have just asked them to “Guess what” or “Guess what else.” Of course, every time they ask me to “Guess what” I always say “You love me?” Since kids say that all the time to me, they often mean what’s on their mind which is not our running gag. A sometimes says, “No I’m talking about X” which leads me to “You don’t love me…” and a dejected face which lead to her comforting me before I directed us back to the reason for her talking to me. O caught on fast, and he now says, “Yes, I love you, and I just saw X.” The point of the gag which has been running for years now, is to in-bed within their mind the assumption of loving bonds defining our relationships.

Still, knowing their relationship with our nuclear family well is kind of like knowing how their piece of the puzzle fits with the pieces around it. But how does that set of pieces fit within the larger puzzle of humanity? We are but one small block of pieces within the society they will experience. So how does our nuclear family fit in within bigger groups. Our family knows how we interact with friends because they see it every day, but is our family bigger than the five of us? OK, they know their grand parents, but are there more? Are we a part of a bigger set of pieces across the puzzle?

The knowledge of a family bigger than those people seen on a regular basis was the greatest gift of the family reunion held last month and every 5 years prior. Our kids got to meet and interact with cousins from the other side of the United States and across the Atlantic Ocean. Watching them learn how others think and play was absolutely amazing. Letting them see others with completely different problems allowed them to put their issues in a new perspective. On the trip and since, A has had a completely different view of her eating restrictions because she knows she can eat more than her aunt who is diabetic. Suddenly our problems are just problems like everyone has, even if they are different.

Then seeing some of their nieces get their hair done like they do was comforting too. Suddenly there were cool older family members asking to have their hair braided with all the discomfort they know too well. Seeing something you do all the time imitated, even if it is something you are forced into doing, is a powerful bond. I don’t know that A recognized it as such, but there is a certain equality in a relationship where all sides try to imitate things they like about each other. With A frequently going her own way due to difficulty keeping up in speed of imagination or physical activity, having shared experience helps.

J spent a lot of time doing young girls' and women's hair so they could be like A & K.
J spent a lot of time doing young girls’ and women’s hair so they could be like A & K.

Of course, our kids are still kids, so these insights come in fits and starts, but it is a step in the direction of maturity.

Thank you A & L. Your gift helped us all go and enjoy time together. Your help made the trip possible for us.

A is not the only one who learned from others how best to thrive with their medical condition. I have so much to learn from men like John.
A is not the only one who learned from others how best to thrive with their medical condition. I have so much to learn from men like John.

I took a picture of the Arkansas Hot Springs' sunset almost every night.
I took a picture of the Arkansas Hot Springs’ sunset almost every night.

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Family, family picture, Hope, MS research, Multiple Sclerosis, optimism, wellville

Optimistic for a Game Change

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I find myself stuck between hope and optimism. My need for either comes from a sense things can not continue indefinitely along my current path. Pain grows and periods of blindness increase in frequency. I know much of this is a by product of stress. Thankfully, I have some reasons for optimism and hope. When one can not win a game, and the playing of it gives only negative results, perhaps it is time to change the game. In my case, the potential changes give hope for short term betterment and optimism for long term changes.

For me, the difference in the two terms, hope and optimism, lays in one’s expectations. Optimism implies an expectation of a positive outcome or set of outcomes. Hope is the ability to conceive of and imagine a good outcome after we have set aside all of our expectations for good or ill.

Hope remains independent of our logic. At times, it may be buttressed by our optimism and logical expectations. Yet at other times, it may be the last defense standing alone in the path of the hurricane of our existence which seems to blow away all that upon which we have built our lives.

Some days, we must all hide behind our hope, taking shelter until the sun shines once more so that we may begin to build anew.

Hope for the short term:

MS certainly creates stress as my body shuts down at work and home. At work, I manage a team whose membership has changed suddenly. I have all new staff, and I have to hope they are as good and competent as they seem because our schedule remains unchanged. I have to hope I can move on from this job after I set it up to continue. I need to change this game because my ability to enjoy the process has left with the staff I picked and trained.

At home, I hope my oldest daughter learns to accept her limited diet and finds a way to thrive emotionally. Last week, she accused us of trying to kill her by not letting her eat (by mouth). I can only hope because right now, in the midst of it, I can not see a way out. Yet we will continue on as best we can, hoping for peace.

Optimism for the long term:

There was an article in Nature last week showing for the first time how the brain is connected to our immune system. It mapped out the blood brain barrier. While this is not in itself a cure for MS or Alzheimers, it does put the brain back in play as a normal vascular system where blockages can be seen and predicted. CCSVI was a procedure started by a vascular surgeon in Italy who believed his wife’s MS was a vascular problem. He put a stent in her brain to improve blood flow. Since then, thousands of MS patients have had the same procedure, despite not knowing if it solved a real problem in our brains. For some it helped, and other it did not. Studies seemed to show MS patients were no more likely to have a blockage than a healthy person. Now, with this study, we may better be able to look at the brain’s blood flow and understand the system. Suddenly, we may have changed the brain from a complex system to merely a complicated one. A procedure like CCSVI may be better targeted.
http://medicalxpress.com/news/2015-06-link-brain-immune.html

This discovery has the potential to be a game changer for our understanding of how the brain works.

On the home front, our game change is in name only. This week, we adopted K who has been with us for years. It may be in name only, but the feel good news comes at a most welcome time.

Our family officially grows to match what we have known and and lived for years. We are now officially a nuclear family of 5.
Our family officially grows to match what we have known and and lived for years. We are now officially a nuclear family of 5.

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