As the years go by, it’s sometimes easy to forget how we got here. I hope many years from now, any reader of this would understand why I marvel at my wife’s vision. There’s a reason she is the beautiful dreamer in our relationship, and it’s one very good reason I’ve stayed for all these years. Because I wish everyone could see her in the light of my eyes, here’s a little perspective from my point of view.

On my first date with my wife, I asked her “What would your life look like 5 years from now if everything went the way you would like it to? Dream big, but be honest.”Her answer was that she would like to foster medically fragile children. In 5 years, she wants to be taking care of kids society ignores for the most part, those who need parents badly. I asked what exactly that entails, and it was one of the conversations that made me feel some of my jokes with my roommate about marrying her, which I’d been making for more than a year before the date, might be more than jokes. I never had a problem with the thought of my genes not being passed on. Heck, much of my thoughts which shape how and what I see in the world come from my step dad. 10 seconds or 3 hours of fun in bed does not a parent make. Drives to soccer, reads a book, talking about the day, models behavior etc. are the things which make us parents.

So here we are more than 10 years later, and we’ve been fostering medically fragile kids for years and been lucky enough to adopt two.Taking care of sick kids is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s frequently exhausting, and so what? Even as I get tired, I really only have to look over at my wife or listen to her getting up in the middle of the night for the 4th time to know I have a very to match a high bar indeed if I am to try and match her effort to make the beautiful dream a reality rather than just another herculean test of fortitude and commitment.

I know I’m difficult, and I see our kids and the challenges they provide as well. Still, she’s there, usually with what ever we need. Sometimes, it’s a harsh word. Sometimes it’s with an encouragement. I’m not even going into the day to day grind of making sure everything is as it must be. Still occasionally, when I’m really lucky, with a stolen moment of passion she reminds me of when I first saw her and got hit for telling her sister, “Wow, your sister is hot.” I’d say I live for those moments, but the truth is I live for the entire dream, for the sense of purpose it’s given me. Through the years, I’ve taken the name of “The Life Well Lived” on quite a few message boards, and frequently it has meant many different things from it’s inception of how I would wish a biography of my life to be titled to what I would hope for my kids. On this Valentine’s Day, it’s for the Beautiful Dream, our dream. Thanks for letting me share.

Fears:
I definitely have a new one. Both my foster kids are threatened with going home to families other than mine. Mr.O is likely to go back home to his parents now that mom’s case has been moved to juvie. The way things look now, she will probably get off with time served and parenting classes. Regardless, she will be released in a few years at age 21. At that point, she becomes the resource for his dad so he could have custody. I’m not against reunification, but so far neither parent has shown any ability to read or understand how to deal with Mr. O medically. They say showing up is half of life, but thus far Dad doesn’t show up and 50% is still a failing grade in my book. I know Oscar cries a lot. Believe me. I know. I just hate that what I think when he does cry is more true than I’ve liked to pretend: “put up with his crying and enjoy the smiles. The number of smiles he has may be a finite quantity.” YUCK!

Grrrr. I want him to have a good life. My wife and I have tried to give that to him, and I wish I could say I expected him to have a fulfilling happy life if he goes home. Now I just hope with out expectations.

As for A, her dad and Aunt haven’t been to a doctor’s appointment in months. Nor have they made phone calls to set up a family visit. One would think this would be good news for us as we hope to adopt her. However, the A’s (in name only evidently) lawyer now views this as a reason to remove only the father from the chain of people who should get custody of A. The lawyer now favors the Aunt…the same Aunt that expressed shock A was in foster care in the first place after nobody visited her for over 7 months while she was in the hospital. This is the same aunt who refuses to sign a service agreement that she will follow the court orders from last time, and the same aunt that was court ordered, like the dad, to make family visits and attend doctor’s visits so as to understand the medical situations.

Social services is rather livid with the lawyer as are we, but foster parents have NO rights. A’s social worker is trying to get social services lawyer involved, and it could get messy at the Dec court date. We’ll see.

If the court take A. from our home to put her in a home where she won’t get competent medical care, I don’t know that we will do foster care again. We’ve said we can deal with it if a kid dies. We will have done everything in our power…but why take part in a broken system that hurts those we come to care about and love?

On the plus side, I did not put this hat on her. She kept pointing up at the coat rack until I realized what she wanted and gave it to her. It made for a fitting last picture to be taken on that camera as we now have a new one.

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