Category Archives: self confidence

athlete, MS study, O's recipe, PML, self confidence, self esteem, Success, Tysabri

1 hour 58 min.

1 hour 58 minutes
It was a building block to remember my old sense of self-confidence.
That’s how long it took me to run my first half marathon.  That’s a pace of just over 9 minutes per mile, and the best part was I never felt tired.  I had planned to stop at every water station and walk, but I never felt the need.  In truth I took some joy listening to the lady behind me chuckle as I followed my usual practice of taking two cups of water at every stop and promptly pouring over over my head.   I guess some people don’t do this in 34 degree weather, but it felt good.
The best part was the sense of being able to do a physically demanding activity, and do it well.  I know these races are against only myself in reality, but…it was also against the self loathing and the sense of helplessness.  Does anyone wonder why sports can play such a role in a participant’s life?  For me it’s because for a long time they were a source of self.  I was an athlete, one who was fit enough, smart enough, and coordinated enough to be good at any sport with a little practice.  For one morning, I was able to feel that sense of self esteem which comes from participating in a sporting event.  Running in the race was a way stop the devaluing in my head of what I can accomplish.  It’s interesting because the run isn’t one of my life’s greatest accomplishments, but sports in general are what gave me the confidence to deal with everything in order to live the life to which I aspire.  At least for now, the day after the race, the runner’s high lingers, and the attitude adjustment/reinforcement is probably as valuable as the 45lbs. lost in training.
One of my favorite parts of the run was all of the signs and people cheering.  For any who have ever considered going to an event like a marathon with a sign, please do.  If you feel particularly kind, put some humor on your sign.  My three favorite signs were:
“Your training for this event probably lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.” – Mile 6 or 7
“You go random stranger.  You got this.” Mile 2
“Smile if you peed yourself even a little while running this race.”  Mile 11
(continue for MS notes and family notes)

On the MS side:
It appears NIH is investigating a test to look at t-cell responses.  The quote from the paper of interest to me was
“The potential of such screening of JCV-specific T cell responses to identify a small number of individuals at risk for the development of PML could be complementary to stratification strategies based on antibody levels that are currently being tested to identify approximately 50% of treated individuals who are at increased risk [2], [39] . Second, the unique IL-10 response to JCV in two PML cases and the increased levels of IL-10 in the CSF of subjects with PML suggests that IL-10 or the IL-10 receptor may be potential therapeutic targets in natalizumab-associated PML [26] . Finally, the poor magnitude or quality of the memory T cell response to JCV in subjects with PML suggests that a vaccine which boosts JCV-specific T cells that produce IFNγ, TNF and IL-2 could play a role in the prevention of natalizumab-associated PML.”
It is important to note this was a small study and as such is subject to all kinds of measurement errors.  My question after reading the paper is how difficult/costly is it to test for the T cell responses for JCV proteins since it looks like the predictive value of the tests lay in a single outcome of heightened IL-10 production?  From a graphical standpoint, Figure A and B tell pretty starkly different stories.
On the home front, my favorite moment came Sunday night as O grew ever more hyper.  I was ale to focus him on cooking with the simple appeal, “O, please come over here.   I need you to hit this with the meat hammer.”  Once he had pounded the chicken, it was easy to get buy-in for helping prepare the rest of dinner giving him some choices about what we were going to put in it and how we were going to present it.  He now has a dinner’s worth of cooking experience, and it was good enough for all of us to get seconds, twice the rarity considering the amount of vegetables in it.
O’s Chicken recipe:
Step 1: pound flat ¾ pound of chicken breast.
Step 2: place in glass baking dish, cover with BBQ sauce, flip and cover other side.
Step 3: cover with tin foil and place in over at 400 degrees for 5 min.
Step 4: Remove foil.  Cover chicken with cheese (we used Swiss).  Recover with tin foil.
Step 5: Make broccoli and spaghetti. (Breaking the spaghetti was a highlight of the middle steps, but draining ranked high too).
Step 6: Take out chicken when done (for our oven 15 min.)
Step 7: When all three parts are done, a parent can cut the chicken up, and all three were stirred together in a large bowl. 
Step 8: Call everyone to the table and eat!
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dog picture, Exercise for the sick, family picture, half marathon, MS, running, self confidence

Never Slow Down…Never Grow Old

There is a phrase I’ve heard many times when it comes to finding the ideal diet or workout, and I still find it true to the point where I chuckle every time I see an ad or commercial for a new miracle diet or exercise plan.  I believe the truth is in the quote, “The best diet/exercise plan is the one you will actually follow.”  It would seem to go without saying, but invariably there will be people who think the biggest loser lifestyle is for them…right up until lunch of the second or third day or even week.  It’s only the lifestyle changes which work.
Twenty months ago, I was 242 pounds on a work trip to Guam and CNMI.  During the first stop in Guam, I tried to run a mile despite all the hills surrounding our hotel.  With a lot of walking, I finished in just over fourteen and a half minutes, and I felt like death.  I was surprised because I have taken the stairs at work to the 6th floor where my desk is four or five times a day for years.  
Taking the stairs was my silent rebellion against the leg weakness I felt creeping in from my MS.  Having played 20 years of soccer, I had been able to leg press the stack of weights since college.  So I convinced myself if MS was to steal 3% of my strength, maybe climbing 120 stairs a day would slow the progression to 1% a year.  I was actually sprinting up them to the 8th floor every morning…and yet here I was trying to run a mile and having a lot of difficulty.
I’ve always thought my self an athlete, not a jock.  An athlete is one with enough physical ability and enough awareness to be able to learn to compete in any sport.  It was always a point of pride for me to be amongst the first chosen in any physical education event and still be the same guy who plays chess on days when there was no soccer or basketball.  As somebody who thinks themselves an athlete and has played soccer for 20 years, not being able to run a mile was unacceptable even with it being a mile of hills.  I know there will come a day when MS makes me accept it, but the day has not yet come.
So twenty months later, I ran two miles in 14 minutes 22 seconds.  This weekend, I will try to run a half marathon, a goal I had on my bucket list created during the process of being diagnosed with MS.  I had almost given up on the goal as the only cardio I could really do was row on my concept 2.  My balance was so bad I fell often, and I decided it was far better to fall 6 inches and get back on it rather than run and fall.  Alas, the rowing comes back to the first point of the best exercise plan is the one followed.  It became too much trouble to clear a spot, take out the rowing machine, work out, and then put everything back.  I just wasn’t doing it often enough.  Hence, between that and steroids for flares, my weight went from 202 when married to 242 lbs.   
Now as I prepare for this weekend, I’ve come to realize whether I accomplish my half marathon goal this weekend or a future one, the exercise plan of training for it has been the best one for me.  Twenty months later, I am back to 195 lbs.  I have far more energy, and I’ve found the running has helped with the spasticity in my legs and back.  I still fall some if I move my head quickly or go from standing to sitting too quickly once I am warmed up during my runs.  Most of the falling though is from fleeting blindness, and I’ve gotten pretty good at training myself not to trigger it.
 Succeed or fail this weekend, I’ve already won.  While I know my body image isn’t what determines my success, the me I see in the mirror is one I appreciate more.  While not quite a source of self confidence, at least I no longer feel as betrayed by the body I see in the mirror.  The images above and below show how I measure my success, but still I look at the pictures I took of myself in the mirror at the hotel in Guam after the run when I need to motivate myself to run.  It’s a plan I follow, and what I originally had as an end point will likely be just another milestone.

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