Category Archives: running

Never Slow Down…Never Grow Old

There is a phrase I’ve heard many times when it comes to finding the ideal diet or workout, and I still find it true to the point where I chuckle every time I see an ad or commercial for a new miracle diet or exercise plan.  I believe the truth is in the quote, “The best diet/exercise plan is the one you will actually follow.”  It would seem to go without saying, but invariably there will be people who think the biggest loser lifestyle is for them…right up until lunch of the second or third day or even week.  It’s only the lifestyle changes which work.
Twenty months ago, I was 242 pounds on a work trip to Guam and CNMI.  During the first stop in Guam, I tried to run a mile despite all the hills surrounding our hotel.  With a lot of walking, I finished in just over fourteen and a half minutes, and I felt like death.  I was surprised because I have taken the stairs at work to the 6th floor where my desk is four or five times a day for years.  
Taking the stairs was my silent rebellion against the leg weakness I felt creeping in from my MS.  Having played 20 years of soccer, I had been able to leg press the stack of weights since college.  So I convinced myself if MS was to steal 3% of my strength, maybe climbing 120 stairs a day would slow the progression to 1% a year.  I was actually sprinting up them to the 8th floor every morning…and yet here I was trying to run a mile and having a lot of difficulty.
I’ve always thought my self an athlete, not a jock.  An athlete is one with enough physical ability and enough awareness to be able to learn to compete in any sport.  It was always a point of pride for me to be amongst the first chosen in any physical education event and still be the same guy who plays chess on days when there was no soccer or basketball.  As somebody who thinks themselves an athlete and has played soccer for 20 years, not being able to run a mile was unacceptable even with it being a mile of hills.  I know there will come a day when MS makes me accept it, but the day has not yet come.
So twenty months later, I ran two miles in 14 minutes 22 seconds.  This weekend, I will try to run a half marathon, a goal I had on my bucket list created during the process of being diagnosed with MS.  I had almost given up on the goal as the only cardio I could really do was row on my concept 2.  My balance was so bad I fell often, and I decided it was far better to fall 6 inches and get back on it rather than run and fall.  Alas, the rowing comes back to the first point of the best exercise plan is the one followed.  It became too much trouble to clear a spot, take out the rowing machine, work out, and then put everything back.  I just wasn’t doing it often enough.  Hence, between that and steroids for flares, my weight went from 202 when married to 242 lbs.   
Now as I prepare for this weekend, I’ve come to realize whether I accomplish my half marathon goal this weekend or a future one, the exercise plan of training for it has been the best one for me.  Twenty months later, I am back to 195 lbs.  I have far more energy, and I’ve found the running has helped with the spasticity in my legs and back.  I still fall some if I move my head quickly or go from standing to sitting too quickly once I am warmed up during my runs.  Most of the falling though is from fleeting blindness, and I’ve gotten pretty good at training myself not to trigger it.
 Succeed or fail this weekend, I’ve already won.  While I know my body image isn’t what determines my success, the me I see in the mirror is one I appreciate more.  While not quite a source of self confidence, at least I no longer feel as betrayed by the body I see in the mirror.  The images above and below show how I measure my success, but still I look at the pictures I took of myself in the mirror at the hotel in Guam after the run when I need to motivate myself to run.  It’s a plan I follow, and what I originally had as an end point will likely be just another milestone.

Share

Eyes Wide Open

I know in therapy the point of resistance is the point which most needs to be explored. As I think about MS and its impact on me, my family and our relationships, I find myself more drawn towards the approach I tell my son when he playfully tries to hit me.  He misses, and I remind him, “the way to confront strength is not to be where it is being applied.”

As MS pain gets worse, as my mind gets more forgetful, I find myself retreating to the land of “look as I train to try and run my first half marathon.”   Perhaps, MS isn’t hurting me so bad these days.   
Some days I find my defensive self wanting to point out as J calls me frustrated wondering where I am, when I was supposed to be home by 9am.  I answer, talking to her on the corner across the street from our house at 9:01.  At this point, I am the one frustrated, because I understand the frustration, even if this time was a minor blip. I can understand the frustration when I ask her for the 4th time whether anything is planned for tomorrow.  I live and die by the schedule and alarm on my phone, and I hate my need to keep checking.

Maybe, this is why therapy isn’t done solo ? Maybe I just need a reason to open my eyes this wide. 


Otherwise, I will continue to look for the fronts I feel comfortable confronting my MS.  I can’t honestly say which approach is correct because the line between acknowledging MS and allowing its impact to destroy any sense of self reliance seems so thin. 

Introspection hasn’t been the in thing for psychoanalysis for centuries, but I find going back to Plato for inspiration on how to think is fairly sound.  After all, he said, “…why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?”

This still doesn’t get me past the resistance my mind encounters, but maybe today is one when I will just move on within my illusory reality hoping reality will conform.

Share