Category Archives: raising kids

a good life, acceptance, fostering and adoption family impact, insomnia, kids' self definition, parenting, psychological impact of adoption, raising kids, self confidence, self esteem, sense of family

Acceptance of Self in Adoption

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“Do what you can when you can until you can’t.  Then rest easy knowing the haggard look of the man in the mirror has been well earned.”

It’s funny because these are words I tell myself all the time when I look in the mirror and try to accept the parts of me I wish were air brushed away.  Most of the time, I think I accept a reasonably accurate view of myself.  Still, I do all of this with years growing up knowing who I am.  I know my parents, and I recognize them in so many parts of how I live.  I know where I got my protestant work ethic, and I recognize the roots of my ever questioning of assumptions.  I see the roots of my drive.

For my children, I suspect this will always be harder.  While they may come to accept themselves, I have no illusion it will be as easy for them.  For example, every few months we have a conversation with O after he says his birth parents are dead.  We do not know this and have no way to find out.  Still, it is touching when he releases a balloon into the sky for his “dead” parents or grandparents to let them know he is thinking of them.

Every now and then we have one of those humorous moments when we are hit over the head with our kids’ efforts to define their place/group in society.  This week’s moment was a dinner conversation between A (oldest daughter) and J (my wife):

“Mom, am I half-African and half-American?”
J: “No”.
A: “Then why do they call me African-American?”

I can only hope A comes to realize she is all American and all African-American over time along with everything else that she uses to define herself.  Her definition is hers to make.  Maybe with acceptance, she will no longer obsessively pick at her hands.  Maybe then, she will find peaceful sleep at the end of her insomnia.  Sadly, such a day seems so far away.

 

If you said this was a picture of a girl at bed time who will take 3 more hours to go to sleep, then you win the prize. At least her new dog has learned her role in the night is to jump in bed and try to teach A how to sleep.
If you said this was a picture of a girl at bed time who will take 3 more hours to go to sleep, then you win the prize. At least her new dog has learned her role in the night is to jump in bed and try to teach A how to sleep.

 

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Family, family impact of MS or other trauma, family life, family time, fatigue, happy life, raising kids, Uncategorized, worries

The Universally Ordinary Existence

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As my wife and I bought a house, or rather a spot of earth and a promise to build our house, I could not help thinking how ordinary our life is.  We have children who have gone through so much, but still much of their childhood is the same as every other kids.  We may not do everything on the same time line as other families, but I believe we have as much joy and love.  In the end, when I think about what my wife and I do for our children, I think maybe that is what it’s all about, giving them a chance for a life of chances to learn, feel and fail like everyone else.

With all the trials of healthcare our family deals, most of living is still dealing with the mundane.  Taxes are done, the house is chosen, and we can continue the everyday task of learning a little more than we knew yesterday.  The chess peaces are in place, and now we can continue to learn the beautiful game of chess as I try to teach my kids the way my grandpa taught me.  It is just like life.  We start by learning how the little things work, learning the strength of the pawns.  There is plenty of time to learn the importance of moving the less ordinary peaces so they can take advantage of opportunity and protect all the smaller parts of our lives.

Backyard Swings 2014
Backyard Swings 2014

Our kids have the same fears of moving so many other kids have.  It will mean a new school and some new neighbors.  It will mean leaving the backyard they love with a swing set they have played on for hours at a time.  Fears and anxieties of moving abound, and unfortunately they will remain until after our move, hopefully in September.  I hope that they will realize many of their pawns are the same pawns, and the new ones move just like the old.

K seems to have taken the whole moving idea to heart. She is even into rearranging doctor's offices while she waits.
K seems to have taken the whole moving idea to heart. She is even into rearranging doctor’s offices while she waits.

Some days and weeks are just ordinary from the anxiety of doing the taxes to the frustrations of trying to get children to sleep through the night.  I am told there are children who sleep, and it is the midnight wakeful moments that are the exceptions for them.  Still, as we struggle through deprived weeks, I tell myself each bleary-eyed morning, “There are millions of families who wish they got your sleep or could stop their morning for a second coffee to keep them alert.  This tired feeling is normal, even down right ‘ordinary.’“  So what if coffee and soda are more than mere pawns in my defense? 

Some times, I have to remind myself, the strongest part of the family life is not built upon dealing with the extraordinary.  Life is made up of the everyday doings from walking the dogs to reading with our kids.  Every now and then, somebody asks me, “Isn’t it hard to take care of medically fragile children?”  When they do, I tell the truth.  The hardest parts of raising our kids have nothing to do with their medical issues.  The hardest parts are the same for every parent to whom I have talked.   Much like in chess a good defense is made mostly from the pawns, the good family life seems to be made with the every day deeds, overcoming the every day, ordinary challenges…like learning how to change a diaper.

Every kid needs to feel like those whom they are close to go through the same things they do. What is more ordinary than a kid trying to take care of their friends for whom they are responsible?
Every kid needs to feel like those whom they are close to go through the same things they do. What is more ordinary than a kid trying to take care of their friends for whom they are responsible?
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