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parenting, perspective, raising kids, stress, symptoms, teaching kids how to think, thought patterns, Uncategorized

Who Sees Clearly?

What you may see depends on which side of the window you stand.
What you may see depends on which side of the window you stand.

I wonder who sees most clearly, the one looking out through the partially drawn curtains or the one who looks in from outside? Both may think they see enough to ascertain what lies on the other side of the window pane. However, light may hide what is less well lit on the other side, and the curtains themselves may act as blinders potentially focusing our attention on but a part of the reality on the other side of the window pane.

I think about this as we struggle to get A up every morning. I guess I am thankful she is finally sleeping again, but getting through the morning routine of bathroom, medicine, food and teeth brushing is becoming an ever more arduous and time consuming endeavor. Do we wake earlier or put to bed earlier? Are the medicines to blame? Is this a normal reaction to a stressed body and mind?

Clearly there is something happening on the other side of the pane leading to what seems like ever increasing levels of frustration and pain. What is one to do when your child implicitly expects you to provide the framework for them to understand and overcome such trivialities in life as getting up to face the day?

Perhaps the totality of experience is too great to be viewed through any window as neither side of the window is gifted with a complete picture. Imagine two kids looking through the from opposite sides of the window in the darkened bedroom. The kid looking out may see a child running and screaming. Are they scared or happy? Should we call for help? Oh no! To the child running outside chasing a ball too low to be seen by the person inside, there is no need to stop and ring the bell because the room is dark with no sign of anyone with whom to play. Both perspectives miss, and an opportunity is lost.

While I may read about slow motility and pulmonary atresia, I can no more more understand the breadth of experiencing them than I can explain the sound of wind blowing through the trees full of leaves to a blind man who has never heard a sound. Most of the time, I feel trapped with a sense of what is going on which feels no more complete than either of the two kids on opposite sides of the window.

See what happens when I hang curtains? I pretend to be a kid once more to try a perspective I worry about losing.

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a good life, break point, family life, MS, MS cognitive function, MS symptoms, pain, parenting, self esteem, stress, Uncategorized, when kids won't sleep, worries

Breathe. This Too Shall Pass. Just Breathe.

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10…. Breathe. Just breathe. This too shall pass. O is having one of his run from authority screaming in an effort to avoid any work or responsibility. I will play some of this off as his way of dealing with the stress of the move. I wish he wouldn’t teak K to jump on the couches and chairs or run down the stairs with hand prints on both walls as he steadies himself between each jump. Dear Lord, will he ever stop screaming that high pitched squeal of excitement.

9…. Breathe. This too shall pass. Just breathe. A will not always stay awake all night to be in a rotten mood. She will have to sleep at some point, right? Maybe…She explained her sleeplessness as feeling like the dogs in a thunderstorm. Even if she has never had anything bad happen while she slept, the fear is real, and it is inhibiting her sleep. Last week, we gave up and went to bed with her still up. At 3:30, she came and woke me to help her get in bed with her dog. She had stayed up drawing by flash light.

8… Breathe. Just breathe. This too shall pass. K is a bright cheerful light. She laughs as wind touches her face. She cheerfully accepts any thing she can. She imitates her siblings to our chagrin and emulates O’s hyper activity intent to out screech him. She wants to miss nothing in life, and she wants to be with her siblings at all times even as they teach her things they get in trouble for doing.

7 …. Breathe. This too shall pass. Just breathe. My staff of 7 from a year ago has lost 4 of the employees and is likely to lose another. Out new upper management change has driven many of the best employees to look elsewhere for employment. All the while we enter the 5th year of our 5 year cycle. The most complex processing lies directly in front of us with little time to train new employees and not enough employees to do the job without the added brain power. Miss deadlines? I hate failing to deliver.

6… Breathe. Just breathe. This too shall pass. We bought a house! We have our stuff in the new house if now put away. I feel like I live in my car going between Walmart and Lowes to get this and that followed by returning this and that to correct the sizes.

5… Breathe. This too shall pass. Just breathe. With stress comes pain in the head and muscles, foggy brain time, and ever more mistakes. The amount of rework time needed is insane.

4… Breathe. Just breathe. This too shall pass. A’s has slow motility. I wonder if she knows what it is to have an empty stomach. We have tried medicines aplenty. We are having some luck with juicing, but it is an abominably labor in tense process for us to get juice pulp free using a food processor and a strainer to get juice which will go through her g-tube. This too shall pass? That’s the idea!

3… Breathe. This too shall pass. Just breathe. My heroine, J, has done so much of the move. She has coordinated, planned, carried and strained. I have always called her my Wonder Woman. How she keeps going is incredible. I feel so guilty unable to help more. Sure, I can watch the kids and carry the really heavy items, but I haven’t the energy to go 14 hours a day as she has for the past few weeks.

2… Breath. Just breathe. This too shall pass. One of the hardest parts of MS is the helpless feeling I should be able to do more. As I get stressed, I still expect my mind and body to perform as normal. I have had varying levels of pain for year, so why should it matter now? I have been a project manager for 8 years. Work stress comes and goes, so why am I unable to perform as well as ever. Then, the fear of failing again feeds into a feeling of downward spiral. Why? It’s a matter of faith this too shall pass, and recovery is near.

1… Breathe. This too shall pass. Just breathe. We have tried for years to teach our kids the magic calming of counting either up or down with each breath. I find myself resorting to this method ever more often. Calm is out of sight but just around the corner, right?

Happy Thanksgiving!

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