Category Archives: MS

With My Third Eye, I See…

I love the story behind this song.  Lyle Lovett asked a boy if he could have anything what would he want, and the boy replied, “A pony…oh and a boat.”  If you could have that which you most want, would you come up with anything more imaginative than the stand bye’s of peace, love or money?


I was listening to a peace on NPR, and they mentioned a question used for a creativity-standardized test given to kids, “How would your life be different if you had a third eye?”  I know it is a question for kids, but I thought it was a cool one.  I started to think about what might be different.  First, I began to think about how our eyes already take two images of the same sight from just slightly different angles and transmit the data back to our brain which merges the two images into a single image for our mind to interpret.  What a marvelous job our nervous system does taking in this myriad of signals and interpreting it.   
One of my first symptoms of the flare, which lead to my diagnosis of MS, was double vision.  I couldn’t even see well enough to draw up A’s medications, and it wasn’t until A inadvertently covered one of my eyes as I carried her down the stairs that I realized all I needed to do was close an eye.  What if the third eye could allow for a “best two out of three” approach?  If one grew near sighted, was damaged, or for any reason was not sending good data, maybe our neurological system could simply take it out of the loop.  Think about the possibility for ocular transplants.  People would have more spares.
Of course treating a third eye like a spare tire of the nervous system is not very creative.  So why would we need the third eye pointed in the same direction?  If we could alter the look of our heads, we could arrange them to give us a panoramic view of our surroundings.  If we were set up with eyes to see in a closer to 360-degree arc, would our feet and shoulders change over generations to allow for a wider “front” where we do most of our actions?  If one thinks our neural network is crazy now, just imagine what it could be.
That’s all well and good if fanciful, but what if I said I already have a third eye.  So do most people reading this.  Of course, since it is intended to be science fiction, what if I said I have an eye able to see across time: a little bit of the past and future? 
Do you sense a leading question?  How do you sense it?
For me, it is my mind’s eye, able to remember the past, imagine and predict the future.  I can picture walking with my grandpa and my dad.  I can even see what each of us is wearing.  Right before I close my car door, I can predict what will happen in the future when I open our front door.  Our dogs will all go nuts, and K will start saying “Hi” over and over, louder and louder until she gets an answering “Hi.”  I can even imagine how nice it would be to be to have a way to preserve the wonder of everyday moments forever in my mind.

When O and A tell me something is impossible, I often show them my cell phone saying this cell phone can do so many things and has access to so much knowledge unknown when I was kid.  Had I been shown one as a kid, I would have thought it a prop from Star Trek, a show imagining a future exploring the stars.  What we imagine and desire may, and probably will, one day be reality…but only if allow our mind to reconcile the signals from our third eye.
I think this is why I refuse to believe there will never be a cure for MS.  I can imagine a cure for my condition even if I separate out curing the disease from healing its damage.  At the minimum, I can imagine a scenario where my nervous system learns to follow the axiom, “If you find yourself in a ditch, your first step should be to stop digging.” 
Nervous system, please stop digging that I may one day climb out.
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How We Choose to Error


I was having a discussion with one of my parents this week about how I make my decisions on whether or I not I want to foster or adopt another child.  It all comes back to the two types of regrets I can foresee having when I am older.  I imagine I will have mistake both of actions taken and actions I refused to take.  It must be growing up with a physics teacher.  I think of Type 1 and Type 2 errors.
Type 1 errors in science are when the experiment detects a relationship that does not actually exist.  Type 1 errors are the false positives.   In the decision to adopt, this would mean we adopted and or fostered another child when we should not have.  It would mean we took action when we should not have done so, an error of action.
We all make mistakes in the actions we choose to take.  Sometimes the actions themselves are not even the problem.  It is just the outcomes that lead us to regret taking them.  I think of the nice woman a couple of years ago who attempted to intervene when she saw me dragging my screaming daughter out of Walmart.  She worried I was abducting her, and she felt foolish after insisting on questioning me, her and my son.  I told her as I handed over my driver’s license that I applauded her for being careful.  I hope if my kids ever need it, there is somebody like her to help them.  Still, she said she was so embarrassed, and I am left hoping she never regrets stopping us.  
The second type of error or type II error is when the experiment fails to make the connection it should have made.  In our case, the error would be one of failing to act, failing to adopt or foster when our family would have benefited from the added soul(s) at the dinner table.  I think of these as errors of omission. 
I try to picture myself at 60 or 70, and I imagine looking back.  As I ask myself to ponder the worst-case scenarios, I come back to assuming we make a mistake.  With which would it be easier to live, knowing we could have helped another child in need or knowledge we over reached and are now in a less comfortable way of life?
When I think this way, I come back to my motto of “If you never fail, you never pushed your limits and almost certainly could have done more.”  I have been given a lot in my life, and I would like to think I have done as much as I possibly could have.  I find I am far more predisposed to live with the type II errors.  Let any who would comment say he lived foolishly and naïvely rather than lazily.
Continue on to next page for thoughts from a seminar on traumatic brains injuries and our 9th wedding anniversary (not related, I promise)
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As a side note, I was in a seminar today on brain injuries, and two parts stood out to me.  The first is two thirds of our veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan are coming back with traumatic brain injuries with most of them being the “mild” traumatic brain injuries.  This is interesting to me as the “mild” traumatic brain injuries tend to affect the transmission of signals through the nervous system, and so many of their symptoms match MS symptoms.  Even the delayed onset (for months or even years) can leave them not knowing from day to day when they will experience the impact of previous injuries.  I am so sorry for their injuries.  I would not wish the invisible injuries on any one.
The second part of the seminar that fascinated me was a question from a concerned coworker in the audience.  He was managing a vet, and he wanted to know if there was documentation of a traumatic brain injury ever completely changing a victim’s personality.  The presenter gave the example of Phineas Gage who had a steel pipe shoved through his front lobe and lived but was rumored to develop a host of symptoms typically thought to involve the frontal lobe (lack of self control, inhibition, etc.).  She pointed out the case is mostly psychology lore at this point though as nobody cared about his personality before the incident.   What got me about the question was the presumption we know somebody’s personality.  Is it always remembering somebody’s birthday, being rude or polite, empathetic vs. uncaring, anal vs. lax, etc.?  What is a personality that we think we can quantify it to say it completely changed?  I know J says I have changed, but am I fundamentally different than I was?  
I hope not.
J and I celebrated our 9th anniversary this week.  It’s crazy how time flies.  J, knows me and my sweet tooth very well.  She had a local bakery make me pina colada cupcakes complete with rum!  Yummy!
I gave her a picture frame with space for three pictures above the words, “Live, Love, Laugh.”  In the space for the first picture I put words I have put with every anniversary,
“Stay with me
The best is yet to be
This I believe”
The second picture spot has the photo at the top of this post, and the last spot is the picture at the bottom.  
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