Category Archives: MS progression

Cracked But Still Holding Water


It seems we always ask whether the glass is half-full or half-empty, but maybe we should start by asking some questions about the glass itself.  Is it possible the three-quarters empty glass is a miracle?  Seeing it as such might require a willingness to see it as how it is right now while ignoring the leaking cracks in the glass or the angle at which the cup is held.  Both could be strong indications the glass will not remain full for all that long, and the view of one quarter full could be quite Pollyannaish.  
Here is my hard part as I try to gain perspective.  Almost all the new research indicates my MS should be worse.  I have been more or less stable symptom wise for some time now.  Tysabri has worked well.  If my mind is a glass then MS is the event that cracked it.  It appears cracked, but thus far still holding water with a minimum of leakage.  I guess I should happy my glass is not upside down.
Still recent research shows all kinds of medium to long-term impacts of MS.  It appears grey matter damage in MS patients may affect decision-making abilities and more specifically our ability to assess risk.  (http://multiple-sclerosis-research.blogspot.com/2013/08/cognitive-impairment-in-ms-affects-risk.html) I know I have somewhat questioned my ability to make decisions on the fly of late, but I take some comfort in my decisions to stay on Tysabri.  It was a decision whose logic remains the same as when I started the treatment.  
Next week, I will go for my 80th infusion.  There is no credible research on taking the drug for as long as I have, but the best guess for my risk of getting PML remain, between 1 in 300 and 1 in 400.  My neurologist and I agree looking at the charts that the risks seem to level off in year 4.  Now for how long these risks remain level is unknown.  Still, the logic was “Give me five good years over 30 crappy ones.  If year 6 is bad, we will deal with it then.”  The logic still applies, and the risks remain steady.  It may be foolish to rely on risks for making life and death decisions, but if one believes in the research above,  what better way is there than to use the decision making process from a time before some of the grey matter loss?  
Until shown otherwise, I will continue to believe the glass remains solid enough for use even if the cracks are sometimes unsightly.
On the crazy correlation versus causation understanding front, I have seen a study on Iran’s MS rates spiking almost seven fold from 1989 to 2005.  (http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/Is-the-Hijab-Responsible-for-Irans-Spike-in-MS-Cases-204115701.html)  It is worth noting, this article does say they are not telling women there to abandon the Hijab.  They are merely telling women there to take vitamin D supplements.    Granted it appears women there have low levels of vitamin D on average, and it draws the link between the wearing of the Hijab and low levels of vitamin D.  I can follow the logic.  What I have not seen is a link between getting MS and low levels of vitamin D.
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Certainly low levels of vitamin D increase symptoms in patients.  I certainly feel it when I stop taking my vitamin D pills, but I doubt lack of sunlight lead to my getting MS.  I played soccer for 20 years with multiple outdoor seasons every year.  I played outside daily growing up.  In college, I kayaked, hiked and played soccer.  I worked as a landscaper in the summers.  If anything, I maxed out my body’s ability to absorb vitamin D.  
Therefore, I come back to does wearing a Hijab lowering vitamin D levels cause MS or simply bring its symptoms to the forefront.  The most common symptom of MS is fatigue.  Vitamin D helps energize most of the people I know who take it whether they have MS or not.  Could not taking vitamin D alleviate MS’s most common symptom keeping doctors from looking for MS?
I know the increase in accuracy and availability of MRI machines has dramatically increased the ability to diagnose MS, but who looks for MS in non-symptomatic people (outside of researchers looking for a control population)?  How much of the spike is due to diagnostic improvements versus real increases in number of patients with MS.  I just wonder if lower levels of vitamin D are bringing to the surface what is going on in the brain regardless.  Is the damage occurring before the symptoms manifest?  Most people I know with MS talk of their first symptoms as a separate event from the flare that lead to a diagnosis.
I do not know if vitamin D is a shield against all MS activity, but I will still keep using it.  I know I have MS. That means most of what I take in terms of drugs outside of Tysabri is symptom management.  I am just wary of saying taking vitamin D is what has kept the glass from leaking.
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Progression & Family Time

I think classifying physical losses is relatively easy.  Can I sit up today?  Can I see (blurry right eye today)?  How am I walking/running? etc.

However, I’ve long wondered if or how much I would recognize a decline in my ability to think.  Flowers for Algernon is one of those books which describes a lot of my thinking and wondering about the progression of my MS.  It’s one of those worries which makes me pay special attention to how I and others like my kids learn.  When I was in high school, my physics teacher used to laugh at my answers where we showed our work.  I would end up reproving the the formulas we were taught.  I was always focused on how we got to the work around.  Even in high school memorization was a weakness, but if I had time I could remember how I got to what I was supposed to remember.

So now I still think a lot about how to think (Nerd Alert!).  I hope to be able to remember how to think longer than I can remember what I thought.  I do this in large part because even now I don’t know how to easily classify what I am forgetting.  If I could do that, I wouldn’t have forgotten.  Still, I am constantly caught in the middle of a task having to take a minute just to remember what I am doing and why.  I see this a lot when I reread what I write and see the trains of thought left abandoned midway.  I drive my wife nuts as I often come to a different answer than what I had been working on after such pauses.  I leave a lot of things half done of late.  

As much harder to quantify as the cognitive losses may be, I am at an even greater loss when it comes to emotions.  How much patience do I have now versus 5 years ago?  Is chronic physical pain changing who I am or is MS changing parts of the brain subtly changing my personality?  Is there a way to look at myself and know some thing is suddenly different?  Am I just a little bit crazy? crazier than before MS?  How does one quantify anxiety and self doubt as they sneak in from everywhere and nowhere?

If you find a good answer for how to recognize these things, please let me know.  The whole psychological field of study may also thank you.


In the meantime, at least I can envision running from my MS during my runs.  Now I have something chasing me to motivate in addition to my mind’s image of my wife running or skating ahead imploring me to catch her if I can.  No wonder, I run ever faster.
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On the cool side, A and O went with me to have lunch with my dad and step-mom at the Cozy in Thurmont, MD.  I used to go here with my grandparents, and it was a meeting place for family dinners/lunches out.  It was the first time any of us had been back there since Grandma died.  It’s still a ton of food, and I could still picture Grandpa telling me to get my ice cream in a soup bowl.  As much as I still like the food, I loved the sense of family tradition even more.  In the bathroom, there was a man who said he had been coming for the past 40 years with his family.  When I got back to the table, I asked my dad how long he had been coming to the Cozy, and he said their family went there going back 50 years to when they moved to Frederick.

Some times, a sense of family belonging can come just from honoring tradition whether it’s a get together with family we don’t see every day at a place we have met for generations or dinner at our home’s dining room table most nights.  Meals together have long been the time of family joining.  It’s no mystery why communion is bread and wine.  So many religions view the dinner table as a time for family, and family goes beyond blood lines.  Eating together gives us a sense of belonging to our groups and our past.

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa.  Memories created with you still bring future generations together.

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