Category Archives: memory

Childhood imagination, Family, family life, funny kid's story, hiding symptoms, innovation, life with MS, memory, MS, MS cognitive function, MS progression, MS symptoms

I Got Your Crazy Right Here!

If you want crazy, I can do crazy!
If you want crazy, I can do crazy!

At camp this week, O celebrated “Crazy Hair Day.” When it comes to crazy, it’s a house specialty, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

It was an excuse to take advantage of O’s naturally flamboyant, impulsive nature.  It some ways, it was like asking a cat to sit in the sun.  With O, his impulsive side frequently gets him into trouble,but days like today are our rewards for dealing with the negative consequences of impulsive behavior.  We all get to smile and appreciate the joyful abandon with which he can throw himself into a project.  It is one of his traits I think we need to cultivate as much as possible because it will let him do things as an adult nobody else even considers.  Free thinkers move society in ways those of us stuck in our mindsets will never anticipate and frequently only appreciate in hindsight.

As for me, my crazy was a bit different this week.  I went to a block party to say goodbye for some of our neighbors with whom we have been friends for years.  The crazy part was my inability to remember anyone’s name outside of my family.  Now I have spent minutes remembering my wife’s name, but I have never drawn so complete a blank on so many names with whom we have hung out for years.  I couldn’t even remember their kids names as they played with A, O, and K in the cul-de-sac.  I guess I am lucky I have so much practice dealing with people who know me whose name I do not know.  Years of being an R.A. in college came in handy once more.  Of course, years as the dad of A, O, and K have the same effect.  Their behaviors and stories are frequently a topic of discussion with other parents and bystanders who know us or of us.

Still, I hope this recent memory lapse is the result of stress and pain rather than another flare.  The experience was rather disconcerting, but I do not think anyone else noticed.  I have been lucky for most of the past five years in terms of MS progression.  Reluctantly, I am scheduling a titer count, a test to see the risks for continuing to use Tysabri. I have put it off long enough.  I know the test will say nothing of whether I am having a flare, but it will give me a better sense of the risks I face continuing to use Tysabri.

All in all, it is just another “crazy” week, but it is one with a lasting image to make us smile.

Here’s to the exuberance of youth!  May we all hold it for as long as we can.

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family impact, introspection, memory, Plato, running

Eyes Wide Open

I know in therapy the point of resistance is the point which most needs to be explored. As I think about MS and its impact on me, my family and our relationships, I find myself more drawn towards the approach I tell my son when he playfully tries to hit me.  He misses, and I remind him, “the way to confront strength is not to be where it is being applied.”

As MS pain gets worse, as my mind gets more forgetful, I find myself retreating to the land of “look as I train to try and run my first half marathon.”   Perhaps, MS isn’t hurting me so bad these days.   
Some days I find my defensive self wanting to point out as J calls me frustrated wondering where I am, when I was supposed to be home by 9am.  I answer, talking to her on the corner across the street from our house at 9:01.  At this point, I am the one frustrated, because I understand the frustration, even if this time was a minor blip. I can understand the frustration when I ask her for the 4th time whether anything is planned for tomorrow.  I live and die by the schedule and alarm on my phone, and I hate my need to keep checking.

Maybe, this is why therapy isn’t done solo ? Maybe I just need a reason to open my eyes this wide. 


Otherwise, I will continue to look for the fronts I feel comfortable confronting my MS.  I can’t honestly say which approach is correct because the line between acknowledging MS and allowing its impact to destroy any sense of self reliance seems so thin. 

Introspection hasn’t been the in thing for psychoanalysis for centuries, but I find going back to Plato for inspiration on how to think is fairly sound.  After all, he said, “…why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?”

This still doesn’t get me past the resistance my mind encounters, but maybe today is one when I will just move on within my illusory reality hoping reality will conform.

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