Category Archives: life with MS

“Why Is the Day So Short? I Want More Time to Play”

20131201_075645“Why is the Day so short? I want more time to play” – O

From the mouths of babes…I told my son these things never change.  I still want more time to play, to bring the ideas in my head out into the sun, to relax, and  to play (yes, I wrote “play” twice because it is that important).  The day this stops is the day I stop living.

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Every Thanksgiving weekend, my high school has a memorial service before an Alumni Basketball game.  Years ago, there was also an alumni soccer game the same day, and I used to make sure I attended the soccer game to play.  While I played both sports, soccer has always been the sport I love.  One year, I stayed to play the basketball game too and attended the service in between the two games. Every year since, I have tried to attend the service if I could.

In the service, every name of all the alumni, all the monks, and all of the teachers who have died are read to receive our prayers.  To hear all of those who have died through the years is to know a community I belong to will know my name after I am gone.  While I am not religious, there seems something very appropriately comforting in belonging to what will last beyond my breaths.  It’s a family.  Maybe that is why this year I noticed for the first time my favorite high school English teacher has his name read twice.  He was both teacher and alumni.  He was also one of the teachers who made me want to write, though it took 15 years for his lessons to sink into my skull and bring me to a point of writing. Thank you Mr. Barret.  I still remember telling him I would never want to write non-fiction, as it is too boring.  He insisted the line between truth and fiction is often merely a matter of perspective.

My conversations with him began a fascination which has lasted my entire life, perspective.

Thank you.

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Since I was diagnosed with MS years ago, I have been asked many times, if I resented all of my dreams and enjoyment I have had to give up due to my multiple sclerosis.  I usually ask them how many things they want to do with their life.  I suspect most of us have a huge list, and many of them we plan to accomplish at some future unknown, unplanned date.

On this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the realization on every good day I need to do as many of the things I want to do.  Tomorrow, I may not be as capable.  Having a progressive disease makes me see the time I have left as limited, a perspective I wish other healthy people appreciated.

We never have enough time to play.

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Why run?

Why run?  I can write about reasons to write, but why run?
I write about it because I like running.  It’s a throw back to something I was once good at.  When I threw away my trophies from childhood, I did so because I was tired of hauling them from apartment to apartment.  I remember looking at them as I put them in the garbage bin and being surprised because after more than 15 years of soccer and 5 years of basketball, I had more trophies for running than any other activity despite never formally being a part of a running team.  I raced when I could.  I remember running a few home cross country meets before soccer practice with Coach Mike thinking it was a fine thing for conditioning even if it mean being 15 min late for practice. 
 
So here I am now unable to play soccer or basketball well at all.  The coordination just isn’t there to play well.  Still, I can run which wasn’t always the case during the time I’ve had MS.  Early on, the only exercise I did was the rowing machine because when I fell it was only 6 inches.  However, now I can run, and I’ve even managed to cut my time down on 5k runs from just fewer than 11 minutes per mile to fewer than 8.5 min per mile.  But what do I get out of it?
I get to play a game, “run from the effects of my MS.”  Is it a wonder I fell and hit my head on the side walk training for the 15k?  Seems fitting.  On days where that particular game is lost, OK it’s time for a different one, “chase the shape I want to be” or “chase the shape my wife wishes I had.”
I’m not being honest if I claim those are the reasons.  I actually run because I can (same reason I had as a teen), because I don’t know how long I will be able to run, and finally because it feels less bad than not running.  It takes about 2 miles, but after that my calves no longer feel as tight as before the run when they hurt to walk.  Somewhere around mile 2.5 or 3, my hands stop hurting.  It’s usually right around there when my mind stops racing from place to place and goal to goal, and I can find a sort of peace with my body.  I run for those moments of clarity when I really do feel I’ve won the race with my MS if only for the moment. 
On days after finding out my resume didn’t merit an interview, I run from the let down.  Runners high to the rescue!  It’s my emotional safety net or emotional crutch.  Unlike choosing to follow the advice on how to submit my resume, I know there is no wrong way on a run whose sole aim is to reach exhaustion.  Sometimes what I need most is an activity where I can’t fail so long as I make an attempt.  
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