Category Archives: learned social interaction

We Need a Champion We Can Trust

Some days I am amazed at all of the help we have gotten with A through the years.
Some days I am amazed at all of the help we have gotten with A through the years.

In the past two weeks, I have sat through a class on building trust with an organization and a round table discussion between the president of the American Board of Internal Medicine and a broad cross section of patient, consumer and purchaser organizations . At first, I did not link the two topics in my head until somebody at the round table described what patients want from their doctors as “someone who will champion me and my needs.”

When I heard this, I thought it summed up why I thought so highly of my favorite doctors. Of course, I want them to know all of the latest best practices, but as a patient I have little means to ascertain whether I am getting good or bad service in terms of medical quality. What I really need is somebody whom I can trust to do the multitude of little things to make me buy in to a plan of action to improve my health. Nothing builds trust faster with me than knowing the doctor will see my needs met, even when I know I am imposing a huge burden, sometimes bigger than I feel comfortable requesting.

When I think of doctors for whom I have the highest regard, I think of our children’s primary care doctor. Early in our fostering, my wife took our oldest to see her. Not only did she read through the medical history (2 big, full binders), she asked probing questions, followed up with requests for medications, gave needed referrals, and finally she filled out a huge application with a long letter detailing A’s medical history in an effort to get A into REM. REM is a program for rare and expensive case management. That A was ultimately denied did not matter. Her effort identified her as a champion, as somebody who had our kid’s interest in mind. As she has run for public office in recent years, it’s with a heavy heart we always vote for her. We vote for her because she is a champion, but we cringe at the thought of losing her energy and time as a doctor. She is one of the people I think of when I think of a quote from Andrew Bridge in Hope’s Boy,

“Some people are born for battles. Their bravery endures, regardless of frailty or strength. They are the ones we look to and our admiring hearts tell us, ‘They’ll know what to do.’ They are the great winners and losers of history. We remember them less for their outcomes than for their glorious acts. And, with the gentle wash of time, they become our heroes.”

When I think about my neurologists whom I have trusted, I think about why I trusted them. I trusted them because I felt my experience mattered to them. I felt as if they listened rather than heard what I said. They answered my questions and coaxed out what I valued in my treatments and life. I was and am willing to risk greater harm in order to preserve my abilities and life today. The best doctors have listened and have been responsive when I asked for help, and in turn I try not to ask often (a point of contention between me and my wife who thinks I need to ask more).

As I reflect back on the trust class and ABIM’s goal of requiring certified doctors to look at their own practices with a critical eye towards improving patient care, I come back to the comment from the round table. We patients want our doctors to champion our healthcare with us. In order for a patient to feel this bond, we have to feel trust.

I will readily admit much of healthcare today is set against the formation of this trust. Doctors have very limited time with each patient. The paperwork and administrative functions they and their staff are called to do by government, insurance and other organizations seems daunting. As a patient, all I can say is I am asking for a champion and a champion’s time/attention. I know I ask for a lot, always have. I just try not to ask often.

When thinking about how I would want the medical profession to change and how we as patients could measure a doctor’s trustworthiness which includes both intent and ability, I realized there are a few things I need to feel my doctor knows to do and how. I want them to know not only what treatments I may need, but how to chose amongst options and how to obtain needed treatments. The best have been ones who know how to make this easiest for me in terms of money and time, like the doctor who suggested I contact the pharmaceutical company for copay assistance. I want doctors to know how to be approachable. For some this comes easy, but I have certainly seen those for whom it is hard. I want a medical profession where criticism is seen as opportunity for improvement and thus constantly sought at all levels. The openness to being eternal students is critical. We can all improve

There is a kid’s riddle, “What do you call the person who graduated last in their class at Medical school?” The answer is, of course, “doctor.” In my ideal world, the follow-up question would be what do you call them and all the others who graduated ahead of them?” The answer should be just as obvious, “students.”

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How to be Social at the Superficial Level

This week at work, we were talking about how some people seem so at ease approaching a group of strangers while others struggle to be anything but shy.  We were talking about this in relation to our kids, but they seemed surprised when I said I found the ability to conquer shyness can be learned to the point of becoming second nature.  They found it unsurprising I would say this as they watch me interact with strangers all the time.  This wasn’t always easy for me.

I always did it through high school and college, but it was always more about my control of my nerves.  The sorts player in me refused to be intimidated by my own fears.  Still, the thought of giving speeches made me shake terribly.  Then I had a psychology instructor give me the idea of only making the speech to 4 people in different parts of the room and pretending everyone else was simply cardboard cutouts.  Of course, which ones were cardboard often changed with question and answer sessions.

Still, this didn’t persuade them social interactions could be learned.  At the risk of drawing crazy looks for relaying yet another thing I learned from watching and interacting with a homeless man, I relayed my awe for the “Compliment Man.”  More than ten years ago, when I sued to occasionally eat out in the DuPont Circle Adams Morgan area of DC, they had outdoor seating.  On nice nights, there was almost always a beggar walking up and down the row of restaurants stopping to talk to anyone walking past or sitting at the restaurant.  He always wore a sign about needing money for food and a place to stay, but he didn’t ask anyone for money.  It was always a compliment about something on or about the person he was passing.

“I love those shoes.  They go really well with your dress.”

“You have such deep blue eyes.”

“Ladies better watch out.  This one has been working out.”

And for some of the regulars, he would be more personal with comments about fitness, weight loss, or anything else he noticed.  The cool thing was watching him and smoothly he was able to start conversations and put others at ease, even talking to a beggar when we were dressed up to go out.  He also left us wanting to help him, and in all my time watching I have never seen a beggar with a higher “hit rate” for donations.

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Watching him made me start trying to imitate the compliment method.  Friends and coworkers sometimes laugh at how I can end up in a conversation at a checkout line so often.  It’s become second nature, even if it wasn’t always thus.   I tried to convince them to try it.  They laughed and said they wouldn’t talk with me if I was in line behind them.  I said, I bet they would if I complimented their shoes or their kids.  I don’t get the shoe thing, but it is an opening.  

For guys, the book, Fevered Pitch has a section which sums it up perfectly.  Guys have the ice breaker , and it’s sports.  A guy can sit down at a bar and start talking about how his team is playing or how any team on the TV plays.  It’s not a gushing moment, but maybe that’s because I am a DC sports fan and we’ve been bad in all the major sports for decades…but after all this time I’ve learned to recognize poor play J      

As for my kids, we are simply going through a crazy period.  This week we haven’t gotten the kids to bed without screaming .  They seem to a hit a critical silly point, and the saddest part is they are beginning to need more supervision not less.  Without it, we get crazy blow bubbles in out underwear to see if it will make farts smell better moments.  Note this is what happens when creativity meets no impulse control.  Argh! Is 30 min too long to be in the basement playing nice? 

Yes.

Still, this story does fall back into the “frustrated at the time but funny the next day category.”  I just wish there wasn’t so much opposition leading only to unimaginative stories of frustration.  I guess this is parenting.  The teen age years should be interesting.

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