Category Archives: Journey

a good life, anxiety, appreciate the good life, defining success, failure, foot drop, half marathon, Journey, limits, midlife crisis, MS, MS fatigue, MS treatment, Multiple Sclerosis, running, stretch goals

Forty & Ten: Midlife Crisis Averted

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Earning this felt like an accomplishment.
Earning this felt like an accomplishment.

Nobody likes to fail. Our human minds are set up to remember our failures, so why would we do something at which we are unlikely to succeed?

The better question is how are we to really know we have done all that we can if we never push ourselves to the point of failure? The problem with failure is the ease with which we see it as an end rather than a measuring stick used for future endeavors to expand our abilities. It is OK to fail so long as we have done all we could at the time.

I still love Samuel Beckett’s “Ever Tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail Again. Fail Better.”

It is with this mindset that I set out on my attempt to run my second half marathon on a beautiful June Saturday morning at Yellowstone. I have to admit, I had many doubts about my ability to complete the race. I had not run that far in two and a half years. I had a stomach virus hit me very hard on Thursday night leaving me dealing with having shit the bed four times until finally, there was just nothing left. I had not had an MS treatment for 2 months as I continued through the washout period needed to switch meds. Finally there were the two reasons my wife gifted me with the trip in the first place: I turned forty and have had MS for ten years.

As I sat there Friday morning thinking about this list of reasons to fail, I realized these are excuses, and we all have excuses. The question is whether those should stop me from trying. I showered for the fourth time that night, drank some more water and went to bed wondering if my stomach would keep me from an item on my bucket list, seeing Old Faithful. Thankfully, my body did what it normally does to viruses; hit it with a tactical nuke. After a dreadful evening, I went downstairs and bought a Gatorade to be followed by 2 more in short order. Then I went with T, my brother in law, to continue sight seeing in Yellowstone for a third day where we got to see Old Faithful along with many of the other cool geysers, springs and pools.

Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min. We saw it before and after Old Faithful. I thought about it while running.
Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min. We saw it before and after Old Faithful. I thought about it while running.

On day four of our trip, I got up and ran the half marathon. I worried about whether I would be able to finish the 13-mile run at altitudes of 6,000 feet to 6,850 feet, especially when I fell twice in mile 10 because foot drop and a long run over very uneven terrain can do that to me. Still, I finished in 906th place. When I shared the results with my kids, they started to commiserate as if it was sad so many people were faster than I. I told them over 2,700 people finished the race, and I was in the top third of all finishers. I am anything but disappointed with the finish. I meant it when I started, and I mean it now. The challenge was for me to finish, not to finish faster than anyone else. Two hours and twenty-four minutes after I crossed the start line, I succeeded. It was a beautiful trip, and a great reminder that 40 & 10 are just numbers. They are just another measurement of time, and not the most meaningful ones at that.

Thank you T and J for a wonderful trip complete with great memories. I needed the break from reality, and my self esteem needed the half marathon attempt.

Thank you T for showing me around. I would never have seen as much without you.
Thank you T for showing me around. I would never have seen as much without you.

I got a lot of great photos on the trip, and I will create a page with just those in the next few days.

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Journey, Justin Hines, New Year

Happy New Year! Let the Journey Begin

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The New Years parties I attended in my youth rarely lived up to the anticipation.  New Years often amounted to little more than a farcical scramble to make plans as much to have them as to live them.  There was a status which went along with having plans.  I keep thinking this is more than just New Years.  There is still the search for direction, a need for a plan.  Once the plan is made, it’s often seen as the road to an easier better life.
I know I live that life every day.  I can’t tell you how often I think if this goal or that is met then all will be awe inspiringly great.  If we could just get the kids out of diapers, if we could just teach them to read, if we could just find the best medicine routine for me and the kids, if….So we plan, and we strive to achieve what we think will make us happier.  The funny part is “happier” seems to come not from achievement but rather from the efforts.  The achievement seems almost a reward to give us hope to keep moving forward.  It’s never enough.  Peaceful triumph is the carrot hanging from a stick tied to the carriage we pull.   
However, failing to find the imagined state of nirvana in no way takes away from the joy of the search.  The search itself is the Holy Grail.  I think one of the hardest parts of a chronic health condition is the added magical hurdle which seems to reappear in front of us every 5 feet.   It’s just more tiring.  Still, as the New Year signals a fresh start, may all have a wonderful journey this year towards what ever destinations await.   
On the family front, an immediate goal is to survive long enough for K to come home from the hospital.  I couldn’t be more proud of the kids as they film little messages for K every day saying we can’t wait for her to come home.  I love their desire for our house to be a home for her.  Still, what was originally thought to be short stay for some steroids has turned into a week with no quick release in sight.  So I go back to my Christmas wish, and I hope it holds sway for all those who belong in our home. 
Frequently of late, I find myself chuckling as the kids ask for more Justin Hines music and videos.  Of course to them he is the man in the wheel chair.  They think it’s great to see a man with obvious medical issues be so popular and good at entertaining.  I like the messages they take from his music, and watching them make their stuffed animals dance to the music while they sing along is priceless.
Happy New Year!
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