Category Archives: isolation

appreciate the good life, good life, happy life, introspection, isolation, life with MS, MS, MS travel, stress and MS, Uncategorized

A Screwdriver in a World of Nails

Cloudy or not, life's views are often still beautiful.
Cloudy or not, life’s views are often still beautiful.

There is a saying, “If your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.”  That’s a fine saying. For even a screw can pass for a nail, if one is willing and able to put in the extra effort to pound away. But what if one’s only tool is a screw driver?

As I look back on the week, I see many things which turned out well, but seemed so much harder than they should have been.  I find myself more and more having to throw effort and elbow grease at problems until they yield.  The thing is, I am not using a hammer to pound away at screws.  I’m using the handle of a screw driver as if it is a mallet, all the while ignoring the cracks and dents each nail imparts upon the handle.

Have you ever felt like you could solve problems only to find more and more problems for which you are not ideally prepared?  That has been my feeling all week long from having the wrong screws to rebuild a broken swing set to securing a computer at Miami airport only to find it could not load Adobe Connect.  I was able to solve both problems, but each took more time and effort while making me feel foolish for not anticipating the problem until it needed solving immediately.

This whole week has been exhausting and rewarding.  My work published our fourth publication of this cycle.  I went to St. Thomas and met with the Governor, and on the way back, I stopped in Miami airport to use the Ambassador’s club to participate in a webinar for the American Board of Internal Medicine.  To top it all off, I came home to family happy to see me.

I’m tired, but I still feel relevant, less isolated and more importantly, appreciated.  For a guy with a fairly aggressive MS, it reminds me how I should define my luck to appreciate what I still have. It has been a good week to remind me to use other tools as needed, and not to panic if the first tool grabbed does not work.

Not every problem is a screw.

I love talking with data driven politicians. This week, I was lucky enough to spend time with John de Jongh, Jr., the governor of the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I love talking with data driven politicians. This week, I was lucky enough to spend time with John de Jongh, Jr., the governor of the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Share
anxiety, dogs, isolation, kimba, MS symptom progression, pet owner's duty

Unworthy

Is there a worse feeling than sentencing one who has loved you for a decade to exile or death?  When all she has had for me  is trust and love, when all she has ever known is our love, when all she has been is a constant companion for decade, is there a worse feeling than admitting she has to leave us because she is a pin head whose anxiety has gotten worse and worse for years till we  worry about her with kids.

For all the years of love and affection
For all the tears licked
For all of the fears eased

I don’t have words worthy of your affection, and I never have.

In truth, I’ve never felt less worthy.

I know why we have to do it, and I just have a hard time thinking of her face and the betrayal to come in just days.  As I start crying and just wanting to hide under the covers, I realize who will only be there in my dreams in 2 days after being there every day and night for 10 years.

It feels as though the tears will never stop.

Some of the tears are for her and my loss.  Some are thoughts wondering if this could be my fate.  Ten years ago, she was the object of our love as she escaped from the crate night after night with the help of our cat to go pee in the house somewhere. However, bells on the back door for her to ring every time she needed to go out worked.  Now we know some thing is wrong in her head as her anxiety increases, and we are left hoping for some bells to solve the problem as she goes to the vet tomorrow.  As this increase in anxiety happened, she more and more isolated herself upstairs. 

Over the past eight years, I’ve watched my MS and anxiety isolate me more and more. Who wants to hear about MS making life harder?  Who wants to hear about the frustrations?  I don’t know that I would want to say it all.  As I think about how quickly our relationship with Kimba has changed, I come to realize we are all just as vulnerable to random changes in our brains making us impossible to live with in the same home.  We’re all one step away from crazy, MS or no.  We can be as loyal and loving as anybody about whom stories have been told.  Tomorrow we may still be alone, and it may be for the best of all those whom we love. 

Share