I know in therapy the point of resistance is the point which most needs to be explored. As I think about MS and its impact on me, my family and our relationships, I find myself more drawn towards the approach I tell my son when he playfully tries to hit me. He misses, and I remind him, “the way to confront strength is not to be where it is being applied.”
As MS pain gets worse, as my mind gets more forgetful, I find myself retreating to the land of “look as I train to try and run my first half marathon.” Perhaps, MS isn’t hurting me so bad these days.
Some days I find my defensive self wanting to point out as J calls me frustrated wondering where I am, when I was supposed to be home by 9am. I answer, talking to her on the corner across the street from our house at 9:01. At this point, I am the one frustrated, because I understand the frustration, even if this time was a minor blip. I can understand the frustration when I ask her for the 4th time whether anything is planned for tomorrow. I live and die by the schedule and alarm on my phone, and I hate my need to keep checking.
Maybe, this is why therapy isn’t done solo ? Maybe I just need a reason to open my eyes this wide.
Otherwise, I will continue to look for the fronts I feel comfortable confronting my MS. I can’t honestly say which approach is correct because the line between acknowledging MS and allowing its impact to destroy any sense of self reliance seems so thin.
Introspection hasn’t been the in thing for psychoanalysis for centuries, but I find going back to Plato for inspiration on how to think is fairly sound. After all, he said, “…why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?”
This still doesn’t get me past the resistance my mind encounters, but maybe today is one when I will just move on within my illusory reality hoping reality will conform.
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