Category Archives: foster care

change, father time, foster care, ugly bug ball, worries

All Time Undefeated


It seems I am so often writing about my experiences and how important I find the right perspective to be in dealing with the travails of the day.  As is so often the case, watching my kids and listening to them forced me to appreciate how hard maintaining perspective can be.  On Sat. O and A were playing out in the backyard on and around our swing set when I heard a scream followed by huge wracking sobs.  I ran outside to see what the problem was, and here is the discussion with O,
“What’s wrong?  What hurts?”
O: “It was a…it was a…It was a HUGE FLY!”
“I thought A was the only one scared of bugs”
O: “NO daddy!  You don’t understand it was a huge fly!”
“So if I stacked 100 of them on top of each other, would they reach your knee?”
O: “Daddy!  It was scary!  It was buzzing around me!”
(OK, this approach is not working)
“Ok, so it wasn’t biting or hurting you.  Was it like Buzz, the fly guy?  Could it have been talking to you?”
O, “NO!  It was scary and its eyes were ugly” with more sobs.
“Ah, so it was an ugly bug and a big one at that.  They can be scary, but you know what else they can be?  Do you remember the ugly bug ball?”
O, “No…”
A chimed in with a surprising smile on her face, “You mean the one in the song?”
“Yeah, that one.  Do you know with each dance party called an ugly bug ball, they name a king and queen for the ugliest bugs there?  Do you think the fly might get votes for king of the ugly bug ball?”  As they both looked excited, I suggested, “Why don’t you see if there are any other bugs out here that might get votes for king or queen of the ball?”
With that, terrified exasperation at the mere sight and buzz of a fly set off 6 hours over the remainder of the weekend flipping up paving stones to look underneath and combing though our flower beds looking for more to invite to the “Ugly Bug Ball.”
As good a part of the weekend as this was, there was a lot of difficulty as well.  I am not referring to the splitting headaches caused by 4 screaming kids.  I am not even talking about the long hours dealing with their worries, bumps and concerns of the moment.  All of the momentary issues, even the ones made worse with MS are but child’s play compared to the emotional gut shots.
We had to watch a kid we have loved and for whom we have done respite care for years go back with his birth mom despite being terrified of her.  I know we all have to learn as parents, but when her boyfriend isn’t taking care of him, we see her not talking with him as she drags him to the car and set him in the back seat (not buckling him to the car seat he needs).  We see him come back soaked in pee and terrified to go back because she will make him sit on the potty.  He even gets scared to see us holding underwear to give to the mom because she wants him potty trained ASAP.  He is not ready, and the fact he comes back to us each evening in different clothes than we sent him out in seems to argue in the same direction as his bad dreams and scared reaction to spending time with her.  When asked why he is scared, he never says.  When he comes back, it always seems to be in a euphoric state to be back in our home.  Our house is cool, and he is certainly loved as all of the kids compete for his attention, but why is our house so much better than where he has been the rest of the day?  In the end, all we can do is be thankful for the time we get to spend with him.  It is just sad that after tomorrow when he leaves our house, it is doubtful we will get to see him again.   At least as he goes, we can know all have benefited from the time he spent with us.  Let that be a salve against the hurt of seeing him go and the worries for his future well-being.   Our door will always open for him.
Thank you, Blue.
While Father Time sits undefeated upon his throne, all the conditions of today, good and bad, have the opposite record.  Therefore, if you are having a good day or have a chance for a good day like we had this weekend, make sure you enjoy it now. Conversely, if you are having a bad stretch full of misfortune, worry or sadness, take solace and bet on the undefeated champion to bring change.
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Animaniacs, foster care, Multiple Sclerosis, psychological impact of adoption, symptoms, understanding MS symptoms, word search

When Words Fail

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One of the most frustrating changes in my personality brought on by MS has been my frustration with my lack of confidence in dealing with emotionally charged situations in conversation.  For years, I know I’ve frustrated my wife by staying quiet in arguments saying only I need more timing to get the words for my emotions correct.  I’ve long played wheel of fortune trying to get the words in my head out of my mouth.  Heck, I’ve spent 5 minutes trying to get my wife’s name out in a conversation at work.  When this is added to a pressure for an immediate response, the wrong words come out.  Knowing this going in to situations, I’ve come to trust written modes of conversations more.
I ran across a situation this week where this lack of desire to speak to a problem ran afoul of a time ripe for misunderstanding.  In trying to explain why a date was no good for my family, I pissed off my mom.  I don’t begrudge her anger and frustration at us being unable to come on a particular day.  To make matters worse, in hearing her frustration, it became clear how little of the impact of my MS is projected in other matters.  
How can I project out how difficult it is for me to take care of my kids by myself at home, much less on the road?  I can tell people how J buttons my shirts so I can get to work on time.  I can tell people I feel more pain.  I can even make the point I keep massive numbers of dates and tasks on a calendars at work, but I trust J to make and keep our home schedule because my mind simply can’t track that much any more.  Ultimately though, I can’t convey how much I have to rely on J.  This weekend with J having the flu and K sick has certainly brought this need in view.  With all my mistakes, I have an Animaniacs’ quote stuck in my head, “Eeee Gad Brain.  What did you do that for?” Pinky and the Brain  Naturally my brain is stuck in the role of Pinky.
For a while I wished people close to me could understand what having my MS is like. Then I realized the only way they could would be to live it, and why would I wish this upon those about whom I care? No, the only people I might wish this upon are people for whom I don’t care. If I really don’t care about them, why bother to wish ill for them?
No, I’ve come back to the ultimately I am as alone in my experiences as I am in my dreams. Sometimes I am lucky enough to find someone to share parts, and these parts are the better for having been shared. What more could I really want?
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On the fostering front, I was at a presentation this weekend talking about how adopted children always come back to wanting to know more about their biological family.  The timing was remarkable when I got home and A was talking about sitting in traffic with K, and her sister.  When I asked her about her “sister” and who she was, A was very no committal, almost as if she was scared to talk about her.  I asked if she was nice to K too like she was, and A was quick to grab at the olive branch, and she beamed when I said “She probably gets the caring from you.”
A week after talking about O’s alien parents, the point of the talk about how their origins always being in our kids’ minds seemed spot on target. 
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