Category Archives: failure

Forty & Ten: Midlife Crisis Averted

Earning this felt like an accomplishment.
Earning this felt like an accomplishment.

Nobody likes to fail. Our human minds are set up to remember our failures, so why would we do something at which we are unlikely to succeed?

The better question is how are we to really know we have done all that we can if we never push ourselves to the point of failure? The problem with failure is the ease with which we see it as an end rather than a measuring stick used for future endeavors to expand our abilities. It is OK to fail so long as we have done all we could at the time.

I still love Samuel Beckett’s “Ever Tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail Again. Fail Better.”

It is with this mindset that I set out on my attempt to run my second half marathon on a beautiful June Saturday morning at Yellowstone. I have to admit, I had many doubts about my ability to complete the race. I had not run that far in two and a half years. I had a stomach virus hit me very hard on Thursday night leaving me dealing with having shit the bed four times until finally, there was just nothing left. I had not had an MS treatment for 2 months as I continued through the washout period needed to switch meds. Finally there were the two reasons my wife gifted me with the trip in the first place: I turned forty and have had MS for ten years.

As I sat there Friday morning thinking about this list of reasons to fail, I realized these are excuses, and we all have excuses. The question is whether those should stop me from trying. I showered for the fourth time that night, drank some more water and went to bed wondering if my stomach would keep me from an item on my bucket list, seeing Old Faithful. Thankfully, my body did what it normally does to viruses; hit it with a tactical nuke. After a dreadful evening, I went downstairs and bought a Gatorade to be followed by 2 more in short order. Then I went with T, my brother in law, to continue sight seeing in Yellowstone for a third day where we got to see Old Faithful along with many of the other cool geysers, springs and pools.

Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min.  We saw it before and after Old Faithful.  I thought about it while running.
Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min. We saw it before and after Old Faithful. I thought about it while running.

On day four of our trip, I got up and ran the half marathon. I worried about whether I would be able to finish the 13-mile run at altitudes of 6,000 feet to 6,850 feet, especially when I fell twice in mile 10 because foot drop and a long run over very uneven terrain can do that to me. Still, I finished in 906th place. When I shared the results with my kids, they started to commiserate as if it was sad so many people were faster than I. I told them over 2,700 people finished the race, and I was in the top third of all finishers. I am anything but disappointed with the finish. I meant it when I started, and I mean it now. The challenge was for me to finish, not to finish faster than anyone else. Two hours and twenty-four minutes after I crossed the start line, I succeeded. It was a beautiful trip, and a great reminder that 40 & 10 are just numbers. They are just another measurement of time, and not the most meaningful ones at that.

Thank you T and J for a wonderful trip complete with great memories. I needed the break from reality, and my self esteem needed the half marathon attempt.

Thank you T for showing me around.  I would never have seen as much without you.
Thank you T for showing me around. I would never have seen as much without you.

I got a lot of great photos on the trip, and I will create a page with just those in the next few days.

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Dare To Be Wrong

On the radio this week, I heard a story I’ve been unable to find any where, but it goes right to the point.  When you see something wrong and think you might have a solution, pursue it.  In the story, the owner of a hotel chain found himself dealing with a host of disgusted patrons one morning.  It seems the assistant manager on the night watch noticed a bug problem right outside the hotel, and every time a patron opened the door, bugs were getting inside.  The problem lasted all summer, every summer.  Having been a fisherman, he went out on his own and bought catfish to stock all the pools around the hotel.  He figured the catfish would eat the bugs being born in the decorative pools around the hotel.  However, what happened was a disaster.  The cats and racoons of the neighborhood ate very well and very messily that night leaving bloody fish carcasses all over the place.  On the positive side, the owner recognized an employee trying to solve a problem and promoted him.  What’s more he started an annual award in his company for employees trying to innovate, and the award doesn’t care about the end result, only the quality of the idea. I wish I could find the link for who told the story.
As kids, we innovate all the time.  We find the tipping point of the blocks.  We curse when the car we just built won’t run because the wheels don’t touch the ground.  We try to find short cuts in all of our chores.  This is normal, this never accepting the world as we see it.  Maybe it is because we haven’t quite determined how the world really is yet.  However, somewhere along the way, I think many of us become concerned with our success rates and the costs of our failures.  We start to cringe and look for failures.  “How could this be right?  I have peaces left!”  Somewhere along the way we begin to think those left over peaces mean we didn’t follow the directions  and jump to the conclusion the extra peaces are a bad thing.  What if  instead they are just extras to be used for some future project, a bonus?
I love when O invents a random “alien language translator” so he can talk to his “other birth parents.”  He is after all, half alien.  I love when A starts to change music to match our discussion’s topic.  Some of them are humorous even if sung at a very high pitch and decibel.  Even K has found ways to beat a syncopated rhythm with what music she hears.  None of this changes the head pounding noise produced, but that’s my problem.  I want to do as little as possible to rein in these behaviors.  These fits of imagination are our future.  It may not be anything they create, but I’m loathe to do anything to put them in a culture where being wrong has huge social costs.  How much of our life today comes from the imaginations of previous generations?  Tractor beams are no longer star wars born mythology, and the communications devices from Star Trek are now our phones.
To my mind, our willingness to invest time and money trying to solve problems we see rather than just live with them has been the calling card of American culture.  We think of Trump as a successful business man despite the times he filed for bankruptcy.  We think of Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins, as a success because of the money he made without ever thinking of the time he and his family spent living out of their car while building his business.  Success comes from being willing to be wrong often enough to find great instances of being right.
(More on Next Page)
With medicine, I think the U.S. medical field has been so successful in part because of an embrace of the scientific method where we test the theory of “this medicine does works better than nothing/alternative therapy.”  We, as a society, invest millions and then spend many more millions trying to prove ourselves wrong.  I’m not saying we do this optimally, but we do it.  The hard part is figuring out where we as patients fit on this model.  Are we willing to accept what we have now as “good enough” to look no further?  MS research has grown by leaps and bounds in recent years, and some are even beginning to challenge the basis of how we answer the basic question of “does it work?”  Do we look at spots on an MRI or patient disability progression and over what time period?  I am of the opinion I want to try the most effective therapy available, even if there is no published data on what taking it will do for or to me over years.  As it stands now I have taken Tysabri for 6 + years, and there doesn’t seem to be a cohort in front of me to tell me what I could expect in years 7 to 10 or even 30.  I guess I’ll find out.
With my kids, all of them have medical issues.  We as a family are constantly trying to find what works and doesn’t with each kid.  Each is a miracle doing far better than any should have expected when they came into our lives.  I hope they never stop trying to live better and grow their knowledge base of what works or doesn’t for them.  Lord knows some of the therapies suggested, imagined and tried have failed, but some have stuck.  I don’t have many doubts one or more of them will grow to surpass all I have imagined for them.   That said, providing them with the building blocks of health and knowledge they will need sometimes feels like a task for Sisyphus.
 
A bit of Greek mythology: Sisyphus was a Greek king who was chained to a boulder and condemned to push it up a hill…every day…only to have it roll back down, forcing him to start over.  It is said in various myths he tricked various beings to take his place including Thanatos whose job it was to bring the dead to the underworld.  I wonder if his real mission wasn’t to push the stone to the top but rather trick some one to take his place.  The story was told to convince listeners of what may happen if they cross Zeus or try to challenge anything in the natural order.  Even kings of man can run afoul of the eternals.  Still, I wonder if perhaps Sisyphus who was thought to be doomed to a torture, never knowing happiness again and only feeling frustration, was able to still find happiness every time he found a way to change the world as he knew it rather than accepting the way it was.  Even if his success was fleeting, he was able to change his world.  Isn’t this all any of us can hope?
Who knows, maybe we too can hope to find joy in the world going round and round?
(Video of picture coming soon)
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Side story from this week for any who doubt why it’s important to be nice to customer service people:
On Mon., I got an email saying the computer I had just bought at Costco was going to be delayed in shipping due to a much higher than anticipated demand.  The estimated ship date was the end of March.
On Wed., I figured I would write and offer to pay the extra for Microsoft office version they were selling, but I offered to pay the $50 I expected to pay away from Costco.  15 min. later I got an email saying that item was sold out too.  I expected as much since it is the same computer.  I wrote back thanking the customer service agent and saying I figured it was worth a quick email as I was now only out 2 quick emails and had gotten good polite customer service.  I said I figured this was a good trade for me.
On Thurs. morning, I open my email to see a notice my computer has shipped, 2 weeks early 🙂
Lesson of the morning/day: Be nice for goodness sake.
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Final PSA:
I really hope this film comes is released:
 http://www.wheniwalk.com/
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