Category Archives: expectations

Christmas, expectations, kids' imagination, kids' perspective, life with MS, MS, MS fatigue, stress and MS

Rush of Expectations

The hardest part of the holidays is dealing with the perception of there being more which can be expected.  From the time we are children, we look forward to the holidays.  We expect our family to give a little extra.  No matter how much comes our way on a normal basis, we expect more.  In a lot of ways, I think this is the cruelest part of the holidays, that we should be so set up.

As parents, we try ever harder to come up with the perfect gifts for our kids to preserve their enjoyment and create a base of good memories to associate with time spent with family.  Sometimes, the wishes just become laughably extreme.

“A, how exactly do you expect Santa to get the BMW mini under the tree?”

“Well, you told us the story of Jimmy and Jen wanting horses.”   http://thelifewelllived.net/2011/10/07/positives-from-negatives-and-a-christmas-story-2/

Lest one think this is a problem only for kids, I have to admit I too fall victim to expectations game.  With more time off from work coming, I expect to feel better with more rest.  I should know better.  This is not how the game of life is played.  More time off work is more time in a loud home surrounded by excited happy kids, more time trying to meet expectations of family, more time thinking about deadlines I cannot meet at work, more time spent trying…  While holidays mean more of a lot of things, it is rarely more rest.

The problem comes when I try to live everyday doing as much as I can.  By the time the holidays come, I feel like I should do “more,” but there simply is no more.  If there is a change, there is less not more.  Anyone who has had MS for as long as I should know expectations are a fool’s game.  Still, my wish list for the past few Christmases and birthdays remains the same.  My wish list has remained virtually unchanged for longer than I have had MS.

On the funny “For once, I didn’t do it” list for this Christmas is our Christmas card.  Walmart’s card ordering web page is not very clear when it asks for names of family members in the cards.  So when J ordered the cards, she missed the field.  As a result, we got cards with all the right pictures and words until the names part.  I have no idea who Nick, Tami, Emily and Cole are, but I know the card doesn’t have their pictures on it.  We have 50 that match this post’s image, and we are thinking of sending them to people in an effort to find out just how many of us actually read the Christmas cards.  To Walmart’s credit, they replaced the cards for free with our correct information.  It is nice to see some good customer service.
Chistmas card 2013

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expectations, kids' perspective, parenting, perspective, special needs

A Parent’s Perspective

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As I was walking out to my car the other day, I watched a bird swooping down, and then beating his wings to gain altitude before plunging once more.  I can almost imagine what it must feel like to so casually fly enjoying the rush of the dive and the anticipation of the climb.  I am jealous.  It made me wonder if a snail or even a snake looks upon us and wonders what it must be like to constantly fall and catch ourselves as we walk and run from place to place.  We think nothing of it.  It is merely walking and running, this falling and catching ourselves we do so easily.  Wonder it would seem, is all about perspective.
From a child’s point of view, being able to pick what foods to cook and eat seems like a great opportunity, not some chore which needs to be done for the family multiple times every day.  Why should a child be thankful for food they don’t like when if they were picking the food it would be cake and ice cream?    So while it seems wonder may be all about perspective, so too are the senses of obligation, duty, boredom and frustration which a parent might feel at having to plan, get, and prepare food needed for children to grow.
I was thinking about all of this after we cheered for K sitting up at the table and screaming.  I pointed out my long standing theory that parents cheer for every stage of development of their children despite every new stage meaning more work for the parents.   After all, a baby in a crib or playpen is safe, but one who has learned to crawl around the house requires more supervision and preparation to avoid dangers like falling down stairs or licking electrical outlets or….  When I pointed this out (again), my wife said, “Yes but there is a special joy which comes from watching a delayed child progress.”  I guess so, but it comes right back to my “perspective.”  It feels special because it is no longer expected.
As our kids are now 5 and 6, it is easier to get frustrated as parent because we are beginning to have expectations whether these are fair or not.  Sometimes it is hard to remember when we wondered if A would ever walk as she sat on the play mat.  We wondered how delayed she would be, but now she reads books herself at an above 1st grade level.  She dances.  Sometimes as O screams out in rage or complains because he wants to get out of bed, it’s easy to forget the progress as he is no longer shoving poo under the door in protest.   Here is a boy who faced 50/50 odds on mental retardation due to injury twice, and the silly boy is smart as a whip.
My question is when and why do we lose our early wonder as our kids get older?  Is it because we become necessary as order providers, and in doing so are forced into the “Don’t do that” role so often that the perspective of amazement is harder to hold?  My father-in-law once said, “The hardest part of being a parent is not getting mad at a kid for acting their age.”  I think that is still true, but a really close second is maintaining that sense of amazement and wonder.  I keep telling myself, “The angrier I am, the better the story of this incident is likely to be in a week.”  Keep laughing I tell myself…though it is often really hard to listen in the moment.
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