All posts by thelifewelllived@gmail.com

dosage mistake, error, exhaustion, hyper, mistake, running, sleeplessness

To Err is Human

When my wife and I started foster care for medically fragile kids, I said I could only do it if there was an understanding not to get upset with any mistakes we make, to understand we will make mistakes.  We agreed to do the best we could under all circumstances, and live secure in the knowledge we mattered as best we could.
I had to remind myself of those thoughts frequently this weekend after I screwed up a medication dosage for my son.  As he went wild and didn’t sleep well, I had to keep telling myself “don’t get angry at him.  This is the result of my screw up, and enduring this is my part of the penance.”  I hated this entire weekend, from 9am Sat. when I realized my mistake through 11pm Sunday when I had to let go of consciousness.   The odd part is wondering how much of the wildness was from my mistake and how much was from his wildness of the past few weeks since school started.  Never the less, I feel the responsibility and it feels terrible.
All weekend long, he acted as a kid with no sense of self awareness.  His usual lack of self control looked like times of ideal restraint.  Everything from writing on walls to ripping things from the walls to purposely breaking toys he enjoyed to…was happening.  He has spent at least an hour the last two nights in the corner or sitting/laying facing the couch for time outs.  Nothing slowed him down for long.  Even my running didn’t prepare me for the mental exhaustion I’ve felt this weekend.
Funny thing about running is when I started running again I wanted to be thinner so my wife might find me more attractive.  It was that thought which motivated me to keep running through falls and embarrassingly slow runs.  Then I wanted to run to get back to the weight I was when we got married.  Now I run because it’s a time to lose myself in the songs on the Ipod and the sensation of semi rapid controlled falling from right foot to left and back again as the yards and miles pass underfoot.  I find myself running more and more as a control, a check on the stress of the outside world.  Almost nowhere else in life, am I in control of how much I am willing to endure to continue.  Now if only I had that control for others’ discomfort.  I say this after running to the point of leg cramps after running hills at lunch.  Self flagellation hasn’t really helped me much. 
Here’s hoping, reading a few books with him tonight calms him enough for sleep.  It’s been a few nights, so he’s due.  Heck, our whole house is due. 

As for whether I second guessed myself the rest of the weekend, the answer is yes.  Still, I found myself remembering the quote by Elbert Hubbard, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is continually fearing you’ll make one.”  So with that in mind, I will keep trying to forget the mistakes of the past and simply do what I can do now with the information I have in the situations I find myself.

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kids' birthdays, September 11

September 11, Eleven Years Later

September 11, 2012: It’s now 11 years since the twin towers, the Pentagon and a PA field were hit by terrorists piloted plains. More than 120,000 have died since that day. That day is also a reason why my kids, 7 and soon to be 6, have lived in a country at war their entire life. Their knowing so little of the war is a two edged sword of a gift we give them, ignorance of both the pain we suffer and inflict. I find myself agreeing more and more with a pastor I know who said this morning, “This anniversary brings me no peace, no pride, no honor, only sadness…May the peace of God overwhelm us today, and may we ever more seek God for our justice.”
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On a happier note, this is birthday week in out house.   
It’s a week where my daughter turns 7 and my son turns 6.  Words can’t express how much I love them or how proud I am of them and our life as a family.  They constantly remind me how strong they are, whether it’s A waiting to fall apart until the evening because the full day of learning at school has worn her out, or O spelling “food” as we sit around a dinner table.  Both of them are reminders to never curse our kids with low expectations.   It is far better to stand back to watch and marvel at their individualistic personalities.  When they came home years ago, A was a little lump who needed help learning to do even the most basic physical activity like sitting up.  She would sit on her mat and sometimes bat at the toys hanging down in front of her.  We didn’t know she would grow to a beautiful empathetic young lady with a natural motherly nurturing streak a mile long.  When O came home roughly a year later, we thought he would do little more than lay down and scream while occasionally destroying whatever was near.  While he still complains a lot, we are struck by his constant energy and his love of building.  Laying down is really no longer his style.
Just when I think A will follow the crowd and do what all her friends are doing at her birthday party, making the same blue star covered bear at Build a Bear, she goes a completely different direction  opting for the rainbows instead.   It’s nice to think she might be immune and possibly oblivious to peer pressure for a while longer.  I hope she never loses sight of what she wants once she decides.  As for O, I worry as much about what he will get others into as I worry for the trouble he will cause.  He is so determined to do his things his way.  I doubt others will influence him too much.  For any who would bet on such things, I should put a caveat in the bet to say all bets are off when he starts dating.

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