Years ago, I began this blog with a thought towards gaining wisdom by being able to look back on years of memories in the somewhat vain hope of seeing a thread worthy of the blog’s title, The Life Well Lived. Now as my oldest is nearing the end of her junior year of high school, I think what I have learned most is how much I have benefited from the help of all those around me. 

I always knew I married well.  19 years later, I know I was lucky enough to win the hand of a wonderful cook, nurse and mother for our kids.  She shows through her daily actions what it is to put others’ needs and wants before her own.  I can only hope our children learn those values.  It was her vision that enchanted and inspired my devotion to the idea of raising medically fragile children. 

Then I look at each of my four children, and they each have taught me in their own ways what resilience means.  After I look at what each of them has gone through, how can I complain too much about the pain in my head, or the annoying lapses of memory? Moreover, they still teach me the need to lean into each other when we need it.  I will remember for years watching my oldest overcome her own fears of speaking in public to rush on stage to help her youngest sister through a song.

I hope my lack of concern about how others may judge me will fortify our youngest who has identified as trans since she was 2 when she mentioned wanting to just cut off her penis because she is a girl.  I have been asked, “What will you do if R still wants to wear dresses as a teen or an adult?”  My answer remains, “I hope I will be able to make sure she has clothes she likes whether they are dresses or pants.”  As somebody who wore loud Hawaiian shirts every Friday for years regardless of style in homage to my dad who wore them every day to teach school, I hope she learns the people who matter will judge her on far more than her clothes.  They will judge her on more than the sex she identifies herself as. Sadly, it seems there are many who will not live their way to truth to which she has lead me.

That leads me into what may be the biggest truth I have learned on this journey.  More and more I am coming to believe that for me the life well lived is one lived with the purpose of allowing others to live their lives more honestly and fully.  That starts with honesty to true selves, regardless of societal pressures.  Maybe that is even enough… maybe… and what a great gift my kids have given me if I can live that truth.

Lord only knows MS will rob us of much of what society says we should use to define ourselves.  Many of us will lose our jobs, our abilities, and maybe our ability to think and remember obvious things.  The question is: how much of that defines us?  

I hope I am more than those things.  I may be all of those things, but I am also more than the job I do, the chores I do or forget to do, the shirts I can’t button, etc… I hope I am also the guy who loves his wife and kids, the one who loves to run, and to foster animals. I hope I am always the Abbey boy willing to try, willing to learn something new.