Category Archives: limits

Forty & Ten: Midlife Crisis Averted

Earning this felt like an accomplishment.
Earning this felt like an accomplishment.

Nobody likes to fail. Our human minds are set up to remember our failures, so why would we do something at which we are unlikely to succeed?

The better question is how are we to really know we have done all that we can if we never push ourselves to the point of failure? The problem with failure is the ease with which we see it as an end rather than a measuring stick used for future endeavors to expand our abilities. It is OK to fail so long as we have done all we could at the time.

I still love Samuel Beckett’s “Ever Tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail Again. Fail Better.”

It is with this mindset that I set out on my attempt to run my second half marathon on a beautiful June Saturday morning at Yellowstone. I have to admit, I had many doubts about my ability to complete the race. I had not run that far in two and a half years. I had a stomach virus hit me very hard on Thursday night leaving me dealing with having shit the bed four times until finally, there was just nothing left. I had not had an MS treatment for 2 months as I continued through the washout period needed to switch meds. Finally there were the two reasons my wife gifted me with the trip in the first place: I turned forty and have had MS for ten years.

As I sat there Friday morning thinking about this list of reasons to fail, I realized these are excuses, and we all have excuses. The question is whether those should stop me from trying. I showered for the fourth time that night, drank some more water and went to bed wondering if my stomach would keep me from an item on my bucket list, seeing Old Faithful. Thankfully, my body did what it normally does to viruses; hit it with a tactical nuke. After a dreadful evening, I went downstairs and bought a Gatorade to be followed by 2 more in short order. Then I went with T, my brother in law, to continue sight seeing in Yellowstone for a third day where we got to see Old Faithful along with many of the other cool geysers, springs and pools.

Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min.  We saw it before and after Old Faithful.  I thought about it while running.
Castle Geyser just keeps going and going for 25 min. We saw it before and after Old Faithful. I thought about it while running.

On day four of our trip, I got up and ran the half marathon. I worried about whether I would be able to finish the 13-mile run at altitudes of 6,000 feet to 6,850 feet, especially when I fell twice in mile 10 because foot drop and a long run over very uneven terrain can do that to me. Still, I finished in 906th place. When I shared the results with my kids, they started to commiserate as if it was sad so many people were faster than I. I told them over 2,700 people finished the race, and I was in the top third of all finishers. I am anything but disappointed with the finish. I meant it when I started, and I mean it now. The challenge was for me to finish, not to finish faster than anyone else. Two hours and twenty-four minutes after I crossed the start line, I succeeded. It was a beautiful trip, and a great reminder that 40 & 10 are just numbers. They are just another measurement of time, and not the most meaningful ones at that.

Thank you T and J for a wonderful trip complete with great memories. I needed the break from reality, and my self esteem needed the half marathon attempt.

Thank you T for showing me around.  I would never have seen as much without you.
Thank you T for showing me around. I would never have seen as much without you.

I got a lot of great photos on the trip, and I will create a page with just those in the next few days.

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Why? To See the Leaps

Scoot on little K.   The video is priceless, but I will not share here for privacy concerns.
Scoot on little K. The video is priceless, but I will not share here for privacy concerns.

Some times, it is easy to forget how far we have come and to expect less from our children than they are capable of doing. In the past week, K has surprised us twice, showing her abilities for cognition and motor skills far outstrip our expectations.

When you have a blind developmentally delayed child, it is easy to see her as the energetic ball of destructive energy who cannot sit still long enough to have a swallow study. Yes, she has just recently started playing with dolls, a developmentally appropriate toy. Still, we did not think she would be upset over our quietest dog leaving to go with another family. K has learned to stop tripping on the dogs, and she likes to feed them from her high chair, much to our annoyance. However, K never seemed emotionally attached to them or Fiz in particular. As Fiz’s new owner came over and talked about him and his new life, K did not seem to pay particular attention. However, as they took him outside to take to their car, K burst out in tears. We rushed her out to give her a chance to say goodbye. Her emotions are appropriate for any age, and we obviously need to do a better job giving her a chance to express them. It must be frustrating for her to be so unable to express herself, as learning to talk is currently a huge struggle.

Then on Sunday, K surprised me again. When we go outside to play with the neighborhood kids in the cul-de-sac, K can usually be seen chasing behind a random kid on a bike or scooter. We bring her tri cycle out, but she usually looses interest in it quickly as peddling is a bit beyond her thus far. Still, we always give it a go. Then on Sunday, one of the little girls got off her scooter to try to help K ride her scooter. K was in heaven. Suddenly all that time she spent chasing the big kids paid off. For us, trusting her to have playtime with all the other kids paid off too. Just watching her scoot was price less.

It made me think about our family routinely exceeding what I think are reasonable expectations. When I think about A’s heart surgeries, stroke, and gastro intestinal issues, I am amazed to watch her ride her bike for hours with the other kids and then go home to read and calm down. I look at O, born at 24 weeks and later surviving brain bleeds, and I realize he is lucky to avoid being delayed. He is smart and physically gifted, even in his habitual careless destruction and bursts of anger. How did he beat those odds? Finally, I look at K, and I realize we have gone three for three.

Having these thoughts gives context for the answers to the “why” questions. It is funny because I never think raising them is so much harder than any other kids until we try to prepare for A going to camp and fill up all 15 lines on the form for medications she takes. We just do it. Then I look at a day taking care of K written up for social services, and it takes more than a page too. It looks so much more impressive written out than it feels when in the midst of task A to task Z. We just do them, as we hope for more moments like Sunday.

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