Category Archives: happy life

What Do We Mean When We Say “Marriage?”

Art by Mirko Ilić Corp.
Art by Mirko Ilić Corp.

Can we finally lay to rest the myth of this being the “end of traditional marriage in the United States?” My marriage hasn’t ended or even changed with the ruling. However, none of my friends have “traditional” marriages, at least as far as I know. I keep seeing references to “traditional marriages” existing for hundreds or even thousands of years between men and women. I suppose they have, but the traditional marriages going back that far are ones I can do without. I married for love. I married to have an equal partner, and I married the person I chose to marry.

If this week’s Supreme Court ruling says to some that traditional marriage in the U.S. is a dead institution, I have to ask where they have been hiding the last hundred plus years. The traditional marriages referenced by many in this case lost popularity long before gay marriages became an issue.

Growing up, I had a couple of years of religion classes at an Episcopal school before 6 years of religion classes at a Catholic school. On Catholic gay marriage, the question I have asked many but not received an answer that seems logical to me is “If the priest’s role in the sacrament of marriage is to witness, not give, the sacrament, then why does anyone assume the sacrament is withheld from the gay couple marrying?” If I close my eyes and plug my ears, does that mean my kids and wife no longer say they love me?

I always come back to wondering what a gift from God would look or feel like.

Would it feel like complete acceptance?

Would it comfort me at times it seems the world has forsaken me?

Would it give me the strength to attempt the difficult and even succeed occasionally?

Would it be a balm against the loneliness of this existence?

You know what? If I could receive such a gift, I suspect I would pity the religious people their inability to recognize God’s gifts despite their enviable faith.

Come to think of it, I have received the sacrament of marriage as I conceive of it, even if it was witnessed by no clergy outside of my sister-in-law who became an ordained minister over the internet just to marry us. What’s more, the benefits I listed above are what many gay people claim, above and beyond all the legal rights of marriage. Who am I to deny they have been blessed? Maybe there is more to be experienced in a marriage witnessed and officially approved of by a church, but for now, I will remain content with the gifts I am lucky enough to experience.

Share

Two Views of Same Data on Life Expectancy

A Dog's secret to a long happy life...play hard and find a good teddy bear with whom to sleep.  Could it be that simple?
A Dog’s secret to a long happy life…play hard and find a good teddy bear with whom to sleep. Could it be that simple?

Do Numbers Lie or mislead? I suspect we just read into them what we expect “truth” to be.

When I started as a Survey Program Analyst almost 16 years ago, I remember working on some politically sensitive data. My boss said in a somewhat cynical tone, “Tell me what you want to prove, and I can find the statistic to ‘prove’ you correct.” Since then, I have enjoyed running across those statistics which can be used for either side of a disagreement as “proof.”

I was at a healthcare bazaar at my work last week where different supplier came to sell their services. There were insurance companies hoping employees would switch to their insurance or perhaps sign up for the first time. As I walked around, I watched their interest in selling to me predictably fade quickly with the mention of my MS. It was like the Soup Nazi in Seinfeld, saying “No long term care insurance for you.”

I get it. Still, I did have some interesting conversations there. It is enlightening to see how caught up in rosy narratives we become when faced with numbers that may say what we want to hear. One of the employee assistance plan workers told me the story of one of his friend being diagnosed with untreatable cancer. The doctor told him and his family to do what they can to make the patient happy because studies show “Happier sick people live longer.” The worker and family took this to mean if they can keep the patient happy he might beat the cancer. This narrative assigned to the facts of less happy people dying quicker gave them power over that truth which they would otherwise be forced to just endure.
I guess I was a Debby Downer, because I pointed out the other “obvious” to me possible explanation for the numbers. Sometimes being really sick and dying is just miserable. Perhaps some of those unhappy people were unhappy because their illness was so miserable to endure, and it was killing them whether they were happy or not? Without knowing what made the people in the study unhappy, it is hard to say why the unhappy people died quicker.

To my, ignorant of the individual facts mind, the narrative where sick unhappy people die sooner than happier ones, suggests a bleaker mindset closer to death. This seems more plausible than healing by positive thinking. I think about the symptoms I am to watch for as a JCV positive patient taking Tysabri. I am supposed to watch for down turns in my mood because they could be a harbinger of PML. Will my happiness ward off PML or is will a darker mood be a canary in the mine?
Maybe I should worry that mind so readily dismisses my mood as a cause of my body worsening. Perhaps I am already doomed.

Of course, I have few objections if my family and friends want to make me happier all the time so I can live longer. Maybe I should start an Emotional Go Fund Me and see how much positive energy is directed my way?

The happier patient population living longer could also be a result of the body having to spend less energy enduring symptoms. I know my symptoms are worse when I am stressed. Of course I also stress over increases in symptoms. I will concede it is plausible that happier patients live longer, but which is the cause and which is the effect in the relationship between happiness and long life is undetermined in my mind.

One happy bear scout
One happy bear scout

Share