Category Archives: decision to take in a foster child

decision to take in a foster child, kids' self definition, MS fatigue, parenting, Tennyson, Ulysses

Home at Last with Family Whole

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The last stanza of Tennyson’s “Ulysses” sums it up:
 

“Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are–
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.”

A week of nights squared, just one day short of 50 days in the hospital, is how long K spent at Hopkins.  My wife, J, was there all save the 4 days (the four during our long planned trip to Disney when she called constantly for updates and arrangement of care).  Through the 49 days, the kids made do with my time and attention for many an afternoon and evening.  I can’t say it was all fun and easy, but there came a point when I kept saying “we, as a family have invested so much, how can we walk away?”  Nobody ever promised us a rose garden.  Our kids, at this age, seem to know only care vs. don’t care, and the thought of walking away isn’t one I can see them considering.  They were disappointed with every set back.  They wanted K and J back home. 
 
“Maybe she will get out tomorrow or in just a couple of days.” became the mantra for all even when it was harder to believe.
 
Still through it all, I think there was a wear down of body and emotion, but not of will.  I could see it in J, and I felt it in me.  As for the kids, I don’t know that they could recognize it.  Their behavior after every visit spoke to the emotional costs though.  Those were some difficult evenings, but through it all they came out seeing her again and taking pride in being with her and making her smile. They take pride in their bonds with her, their little sister.
 
In the end, it seems our resilience emerges tougher.  Do it all again?  I don’t know if the same decisions would be made knowing all of the end costs, but I also can’t think of a single spot where hindsight would lead me to a different pick.  I’ve always been stubborn, and yielding on such things seems unnatural.  I say all of this not 24 hours after her return home with my MS fatigued self having a cold and J being run down.  The first steps of any journey may be the hardest, but heck if the last ones aren’t the most draining as the push towards the goal is realized. 
 
What’s left? 
 
Just us
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decision to take in a foster child, score one's life


   On days where I don’t quite feel right, I often find myself going back to think about how I would evaluate success in life. I’ve got my masters in project management, and I know how to evaluate success on each and every goal I’ve set if I was to be so inclined. It’s just such measures seem so shallow.


   I find myself coming around to a sort of duplicate bridge way of evaluating my life from day to day. In duplicate bridge tournaments, people play specific hands. Then they move on to other specific hands such that at the end of the tournament a rating is based on how well you did in all of the situations with everyone having played with the same cards and distributions. Sometimes losing by one trick (the smallest loss possible), is a great result as others lose the same hand by an average of 4. It’s not just how well you did. It’s how well you did with the cards you were dealt. 

   As I look at my life through a duplicate scoring lens, I’m coming to think a person or a society might be better judged not by what they do or don’t do but rather by how much of what they could have done was done. If I could have cleaned the house but instead chilled out by the TV, I’ve not done what I could have done. On the other hand if I legitimately have 0 energy, not tending the roses isn’t something about which I should feel unsuccessful. I still did what I could.

    I think about this as we are asked to take another kid in August. As Jill and I talk about it, we both think we can, and we both feel we would be the best home for him as he is already comfortable in our madness from respite care. Having him around has brought out the best in our kids in terms of them learning to shower love on one unable to express or possibly return the same emotions. This leads me to the feeling we should take care of him because we can even if it is not easy. I was lucky enough to be born relatively athletic to parents who made sure I was educated enough to be responsible for my thoughts. I wasn’t born dumb, and I was raised here in the U.S. where options for how to live my live are many. With all of these advantages, wouldn’t others, if given the same conditions I am in, do as well? I know I have MS, and it limits me and my family. However, I was given a pretty strong hand. Maybe it’s even the hand of 5 aces. I just find myself hoping when my life ends others will look back thankful for my life instead of feeling I have wasted it and all of its opportunities. 

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