Unworthy

Is there a worse feeling than sentencing one who has loved you for a decade to exile or death?  When all she has had for me  is trust and love, when all she has ever known is our love, when all she has been is a constant companion for decade, is there a worse feeling than admitting she has to leave us because she is a pin head whose anxiety has gotten worse and worse for years till we  worry about her with kids.

For all the years of love and affection
For all the tears licked
For all of the fears eased

I don’t have words worthy of your affection, and I never have.

In truth, I’ve never felt less worthy.

I know why we have to do it, and I just have a hard time thinking of her face and the betrayal to come in just days.  As I start crying and just wanting to hide under the covers, I realize who will only be there in my dreams in 2 days after being there every day and night for 10 years.

It feels as though the tears will never stop.

Some of the tears are for her and my loss.  Some are thoughts wondering if this could be my fate.  Ten years ago, she was the object of our love as she escaped from the crate night after night with the help of our cat to go pee in the house somewhere. However, bells on the back door for her to ring every time she needed to go out worked.  Now we know some thing is wrong in her head as her anxiety increases, and we are left hoping for some bells to solve the problem as she goes to the vet tomorrow.  As this increase in anxiety happened, she more and more isolated herself upstairs. 

Over the past eight years, I’ve watched my MS and anxiety isolate me more and more. Who wants to hear about MS making life harder?  Who wants to hear about the frustrations?  I don’t know that I would want to say it all.  As I think about how quickly our relationship with Kimba has changed, I come to realize we are all just as vulnerable to random changes in our brains making us impossible to live with in the same home.  We’re all one step away from crazy, MS or no.  We can be as loyal and loving as anybody about whom stories have been told.  Tomorrow we may still be alone, and it may be for the best of all those whom we love. 

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